Under my Hat

Sometimes I feel like maybe my posts are a bit bi-polar... up sometimes... down the others... but such is the way of life. The holidays have magnified that tremendously... On the one hand, I was happy to spend Christmas with my daughters...  I enjoyed spending their birthdays with them. But it made it much more of a sad occasion to leave them... for another 5 months. I almost missed out going to see them. I was supposed to go back to Kentucky on the 18th. That was supposed to give me time to wrap presents and get everything in order for my trip... but I spent Monday and Tuesday in the hospital with pancreatitis. I had let my eating habits decline in the last few months.. I was eating pretty much everything I wanted without regard to my health. My blood sugar was 395....since the inflammation on my pancreas has subsided, I have been checking my levels at over 200. It looks like I might be starting insulin shots soon if they don't come down. But I got dismissed from the hospital in ...

It's been awhile... so much stuff to do at work..  ...and a whole lot of soul searching.  This time of year is much harder for me now that I am alone.  Even though I go see my daughters for 10 days or so... It makes it much harder for me to leave them knowing they really won't be a part of my life until the end of May. Lately, they have discovered kik... so I finally have a use for the app on occasion. We do a 3 way video chat sometimes.. I just feel like I'm not much of a part of their lives. My fire training has been put on hold... so there is another part of my life that is in a holding pattern.. it pretty much matches the rest of my life. I felt like my whole existence was in a holding pattern when I was married, but since I've been out and on my own, I realize that I put it that way because I always had expectations greater than what was happening in my life. I guess I still do, but I'm not willing to risk losing any more of myself than what I have already......