My Regrets Are Almost Nil.
It's been awhile... so much stuff to do at work.. ...and a whole lot of soul searching. This time of year is much harder for me now that I am alone. Even though I go see my daughters for 10 days or so... It makes it much harder for me to leave them knowing they really won't be a part of my life until the end of May. Lately, they have discovered kik... so I finally have a use for the app on occasion. We do a 3 way video chat sometimes.. I just feel like I'm not much of a part of their lives.
My fire training has been put on hold... so there is another part of my life that is in a holding pattern.. it pretty much matches the rest of my life. I felt like my whole existence was in a holding pattern when I was married, but since I've been out and on my own, I realize that I put it that way because I always had expectations greater than what was happening in my life. I guess I still do, but I'm not willing to risk losing any more of myself than what I have already... so I play things safe and just accept things as they are. When I'm presented with opportunities, I try to take advantage of those and live my life to its fullest. Most of the time though I've fallen into a passive rut. ...and I hate passive. I am trying to take a more active part in my life... it's just difficult to make anything happen when my resources are as low as they are. I have a few people that occasionally message to make certain I'm still alive... but I find myself still wondering a lot about my past... and what I should have done differently. I don't want to think I'd change anything... but I dislike the fact that there are those people I've done wrong... including my ex.. and I wish I could take back some of the hurt I've caused. I've hurt friends.. family... ex-lovers... and even some people I don't know that well. ...and some of those people are no longer living... which makes me sad that I can never make it up to them. I guess when we drive a nail into any kind of relationship.... there's always going to be that hole there to show the damage we've caused.
It has been freakin' cold the last few days... and I've had to stop and get gas...this morning.. and air up my tires yesterday... both times I nearly froze my keister off.. but I am pretty sure I ran into someone I've been trying to avoid... someone who lives near me... and curiosity got the best of me, so I did some research and found that a certain person lives less than 20 minutes from me now... I wonder how many times I've been spotted that I was unaware. I'm usually a clueless type person anyway. I'm not even positive that this was the same person I think it was.. as it was at some distance... and I wasn't hanging around to cause an issue. You see... I really do still care about this person... as I do everyone I've ever been involved with... you don't turn off caring.. not if you truly ever did care about a person... and with me.. I care more deeply than I ever should have. ...more than my situation should have allowed me. I will go as far as to say... I've made many mistakes in getting involved at times... but even though my mistakes were abundant... my regrets are almost nil.
My fire training has been put on hold... so there is another part of my life that is in a holding pattern.. it pretty much matches the rest of my life. I felt like my whole existence was in a holding pattern when I was married, but since I've been out and on my own, I realize that I put it that way because I always had expectations greater than what was happening in my life. I guess I still do, but I'm not willing to risk losing any more of myself than what I have already... so I play things safe and just accept things as they are. When I'm presented with opportunities, I try to take advantage of those and live my life to its fullest. Most of the time though I've fallen into a passive rut. ...and I hate passive. I am trying to take a more active part in my life... it's just difficult to make anything happen when my resources are as low as they are. I have a few people that occasionally message to make certain I'm still alive... but I find myself still wondering a lot about my past... and what I should have done differently. I don't want to think I'd change anything... but I dislike the fact that there are those people I've done wrong... including my ex.. and I wish I could take back some of the hurt I've caused. I've hurt friends.. family... ex-lovers... and even some people I don't know that well. ...and some of those people are no longer living... which makes me sad that I can never make it up to them. I guess when we drive a nail into any kind of relationship.... there's always going to be that hole there to show the damage we've caused.
It has been freakin' cold the last few days... and I've had to stop and get gas...this morning.. and air up my tires yesterday... both times I nearly froze my keister off.. but I am pretty sure I ran into someone I've been trying to avoid... someone who lives near me... and curiosity got the best of me, so I did some research and found that a certain person lives less than 20 minutes from me now... I wonder how many times I've been spotted that I was unaware. I'm usually a clueless type person anyway. I'm not even positive that this was the same person I think it was.. as it was at some distance... and I wasn't hanging around to cause an issue. You see... I really do still care about this person... as I do everyone I've ever been involved with... you don't turn off caring.. not if you truly ever did care about a person... and with me.. I care more deeply than I ever should have. ...more than my situation should have allowed me. I will go as far as to say... I've made many mistakes in getting involved at times... but even though my mistakes were abundant... my regrets are almost nil.
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