One Is Coming Soon.

I understand that some people feel the need to compromise their beliefs for someone else, but then it gets to a point where those people will lose themselves completely.  It seems as though most often when I think about the time where I really screw things up.. and it's actually my fault.. are times when I'm not being myself... but what someone else wants me to be.  It might cause less stress at the moment, but in the end... it leads to internalization of the truth.. hiding it from someone so that a lie can be lived. A lie might seem to be a  better option at times.. but it's still not real.  Once someone starts down the road of compromise.. it's so easy to lose who you are.  I have done this in the past.. and have found my way back.  Right now, I feel more in tune with myself than I ever have been.  I still have problems with whether an omission of something is still a lie... which in all actuality.. it is. I don't like lying.. I don't like holding things in.  I was talking recently with someone.. and if you ever deal with customer service.. or with the public.. your job promotes internalizing frustration... or irritation.. but for the most part.. this just remains inside.. and builds.. with all the other stuff in your life.. it accumulates.. more and more as time passes. It will eat away at your insides and cause you to believe in the inaccuracy of what is appearances instead of what is actually existing. Most of us find it easier to believe in what we want things to be.. instead of what they actually are. No one wants to admit that life may be to tough to face at times... but that's okay.. I know for a fact that life is almost more difficult than I can stand.. that doesn't mean I will ever give up.. I will never give up living for me.. but that doesn't mean that I won't adjust.. my life has become a series of adjusting.. over the past few years, especially.  I am still planning on moving out in Jan.. but that time is quickly approaching.. I have fears that something will happen to delay my departure once again.. and I really don't know if I can bear having it delayed again.. I have so much planning to do, and it seems like very little is happening on my spouse's side to prepare for it.  I can't stay trapped here much longer.. and the focus of my leaving first part of next year... is what is currently keeping me going.  I get frustrated at the way things go on a daily basis here.. the morning arguments between my spouse and daughters.. I hear "You're going to be late" at least 15 times every morning..  I'm very tired of it. My spouse comes in with another toy saying to my daughters.. "We can't spend any more money... this is part of your birthday".. Hell.. they've already spent their next 3 birthdays this year alone... and when I try to talk to her about it.. she says she knows.. and does the same thing over and over again.. I'm tired of that too... maybe it'll be a good thing for them to suffer without for a bit.. and maybe they'll appreciate having a few things instead of having to have everything they see. My spouse doesn't support me in this.. nor anything else.. and she just cannot see.. even though we talk about it time and time again.  I feel another discussion happening on Monday.. since the kids are in school.. and I will be here in the house alone with her.. I don't look forward to hurting her.. but the facts are the facts.. we can't keep living like this.  I don't want to give up... but it seems like I just have to let them have it.. and see if they can make things work without me coughing up more than I have..  I feel like I'm the bad guy here.. but I can deal with that.. fine... I'm the bad guy.  I will have to be.. and even if they get to the point where they don't want to be around me.. I have to make a stand somewhere.  I feel myself slipping away.. more and more the longer I stay here.. There are some nights where I just want to slip away in the night.. never to be heard from again by anyone.. but I'd never do that.  I'm not that type of person.  But I am the type of person to throw in a reality check.. and I think one is coming soon.