Plenty of Fertilizer in My World.

I still continue to blog.. just because I want to... I spent today doing food commodities again.. passing out food to the elderly low income people... I enjoy that.. plus it gives my students a chance to get off center... so I think they enjoy it too.  I have a 3 day weekend coming up... and I sort of dread it.  I'm catching up on my stuff at work.. but I still have a ways to go..  My dad called to ask if I was going by my mom's grave this weekend... and I really didn't know.. it just all hit me hard again.. for no reason... I just would like to forget some of the bad experiences I've had every now and again.. but I can't when there are constant reminders.. I don't want to be mean... but at this point, I'm just not strong enough to take on much more... I know that I seem like a crabby ass when I interact with certain people.. but to be honest.. maybe I am.  I just haven't been able to find anything to make me happy anymore.. and I've tried.. sort of, anyway.  I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me.. I brought any and all of my issues on myself.. and to be honest... I think maybe I'm too judgemental... I can't help but be somewhat judgemental.. I  mean look at the environment I've put myself in the last few years.. everything I've been exposed to.. just exudes negativity.. maybe misery loves company.  I had a discussion with someone recently and I think that certain things just pull at you.. and it is somewhat difficult to let them go... but I still hear songs.. I still hear phrases.. that remind me of past experiences.. and I think I always will.. I still hurt.. but maybe I'm not so numb anymore... perhaps I'm starting to heal.. but healing is still painful.. I feel emotionally whipped most of the time.. it's like I feel alone in the world.. and it doesn't matter how I seem to spend my time.. there are so many things I do on a regular basis.. that remind me that when it comes down to it.. there's not really anyone or anything I can depend on except myself.  I have learned to accept that. ...and at times I just want to run away from everyone and everything I know.. at least for awhile.. but it can't happen... because I have to at least pretend to be responsible, even if I find myself giving less and less of a crap about things.. about people... I find it's just a lot of superficiality in the world..and all we can do is continue to wade through the bullshit until we find a place to grow in the crap itself... well.. all I can say is there is plenty of fertilizer in my world..

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