It's My Job.

What am I thinking... that my life will magically change... and all will be right with the world.  It took some effort to get where I am now.  ...it'll take even more effort to get where I want to be.  I do get discouraged much of the time though... it seems like I've been beating a dead horse try to move forward.  ..and very little changes.  I am hoping to take a bit more initiative... but it seems like no matter how much initiative I take.. no one seems to react or respond... it was that way with my marriage.  Maybe I'm too passive... maybe I just need to conk some woman in the head and drag her off to my cave by the hair...  I'm teasing of course, but nothing else seems to work.  Anyone who is really interested in meeting me is from so far away, it would just be a once or twice a year thing... and I don't really want to do that... although there are a few people I'd love to rock their world and ruin sex with any other person for the rest of their lives... Yes.. I'm laying it on a bit thick.. but if the connection is there... I think that follows... but unfortunately many times I've realized something is missing too late.   There are those out there that think I have been with several people... in all honesty I have not had sex with that many...  I was told to forget my "high standards" and just go out and have fun... It's not that easy... I have to have a bit of a connection... I think... I can't help but think of the aftermath... when she's calling me on the phone... crying for me to come over in the middle of the night... wanting more... lol.. no.. sorry... drifted off to fantasy world there for a second... but I know I have a lot to offer someone... at the same time, I don't want to give up my free time.  I don't know what the solution is, but I'm hoping to get my dick...ummm.. I mean my feet wet with maybe a meeting or two to start with... doesn't have to be about sex... but if it is... it has to be with someone I trust... and honestly I don't see that happening.  There are a few people I do trust to a decent extent... and I'm sure a couple of them don't have any idea that I trust them... somewhat, anyway. I know this might sound stupid.... but I feel like I'm "saving myself" for someone worthy of what I have to offer. The problem is... I have no idea if that person even exists or not.

I am going back to Kentucky next week for the week... my sister is probably going through a divorce as her 2nd husband is living elsewhere, now... There's been talk that we won't be having a Thanksgiving dinner... and I know my ex and my daughters will be at her family's dinner... I've been used to going to a dinner involving the whole clan from my grandmother down... 100+ people... and they have combined that to one holiday dinner in December a week before I come in for the Christmas holiday... so that dinner won't be feasible to attend.. and won't be next week.... so in all probability, it'll just be me and my Dad having a small dinner for two on Thanksgiving... I suppose I should be thankful for even that... although my Dad drives me nuts most of the time, still. He seems to be even getting worse... but I kind of figured on that.  I know that I've confronted him a few times recently, but it really doesn't help and just agitates everyone involved and things go back to the way they were.. so my choices are to either cut him out completely or go along with it... so far I've been able to choose option 2..

I feel myself slacking a bit at work... my students now are the worst group I've ever had.. it seems like they just don't care if they're doing the right thing or not... I suppose I need to toughen up a bit and deal with it.. after all ... it's my job.