I'm Hoping It All Works Out.

Sometimes I feel like maybe my posts are a bit bi-polar... up sometimes... down the others... but such is the way of life. The holidays have magnified that tremendously... On the one hand, I was happy to spend Christmas with my daughters...  I enjoyed spending their birthdays with them. But it made it much more of a sad occasion to leave them... for another 5 months. I almost missed out going to see them. I was supposed to go back to Kentucky on the 18th. That was supposed to give me time to wrap presents and get everything in order for my trip... but I spent Monday and Tuesday in the hospital with pancreatitis. I had let my eating habits decline in the last few months.. I was eating pretty much everything I wanted without regard to my health. My blood sugar was 395....since the inflammation on my pancreas has subsided, I have been checking my levels at over 200. It looks like I might be starting insulin shots soon if they don't come down. But I got dismissed from the hospital in time to make the trip back on Wednesday.  We had birthday cake on Wednesday night... as I was going to be there if it was at all possible. I didn't actually have more than a bite.. but she understood why not. Of course when my dad heard I was in the hospital he drove up to "save the day" ...although there really wasn't much he could do other than drive me mental... but he's been doing an awesome job of that. So when I started back to Kentucky... and was loading my car.... He put his car in my garage and was sitting in my front seat... insistent on riding back with me... I drove back.. and subsequently drove home on the 28th... dad in tow all along the way. now he is here.. and will be staying for awhile... hopefully not too much longer, though. He has gotten much weaker.. and I'm not sure how much longer he has... so I tolerate it.

So now it is back to the way things are.. I know I'm all doom and gloom sometimes, but that's a bit of the bi-polar coming out. I am teasing of course. I just feel like life doesn't have much of the "gusto" that it once had. I am not unhappy, but I am not getting a whole lot out of living. No... I'm still not suicidal.. or anything like that.... it just seems like much of the time something is missing.. that there has to be more that exists. I want to squeeze the most out of life and live it to its fullest, but circumstances don't seem to want to cooperate. I have my other blog... and I get a lot of my darker stuff out there. This one is more about what I feel like sharing, even though I don't even know if anyone sees any of this. It isn't like it matters... although it would be nice to think at least a friend or two cares about what is going on in my head. I think about how it used to be at times... and sharing a daily part of myself.  I don't need anyone else to depend on for my happiness, but it would be nice to share experiences. I don't want to make this post about trust and relationships.. it's more about trying to overcome adversity in our lives. It's sometimes the day to day struggle that gives us a satisfaction when we finally become what we strive to be. I hold on to the hope that I can improve a little each day. I'm hoping it all works out.