catching up...

It's amazing how a short conversation can move the weight of the world off your shoulders.  I've come to the conclusion that sometimes I make things out to be worse than they are because I still can't see myself in a positive light.  I know I have problems with self-esteem, but I'm working on that.  There are so many times when I need to just shut up and let things run their natural course.  In the matter of just a few minutes, I was able to sort out several things in my head.. and realize that any problems at the current time are not mine.  I have difficulty with that sometimes because I am always wanting to help those I care about.  Even now.. I would love nothing more than to be able to help someone work through issues... but I realize that I'm part of the problem.  Even by requiring nothing but someone's presence.. I am pressuring.  I don't want to do that.. I never want to be even part of the issue.  I do know that I am clear on my feelings... but evidently I don't show it well enough. I have difficulty with that too.. I make the mistake of thinking that I can help someone work through everything.. and as long as we work together we can overcome anything... I am not so certain of that now... but I do believe that those things that can't be overcome are things that eventually won't matter.

So.... I play a waiting game... I can do that... I can wait as long as necessary... days.. weeks.. even months... years if necessary... and I don't need anything else... I know what I feel.. I know what I need.. it's taken a bit of time to realize that what I want.. and what I need aren't always the same thing.  I only need to know that eventually I have someone who understands... and truly cares...   Other than that... it's all cake.. everything I'm used to.. all the time together.. the conversations.. it's wonderful.. but it's not necessary.  I am somewhat conceited at times... I think that just because I know things.. then that's the way it is... and everything is perfect.  I get so wrapped up in myself that I don't realize how I might be tearing down someone else. I will continue to wait.... I know I've made myself clear.. and I know that all the words I've spoken are true.  Now.. I just need to wait for someone to do some catching up...

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