Tiresome

I have come to the realization that I will continue to ramble... and I'm actually committed to living the rest of my life with just my memories feeding me. I am certain that I can't love anyone... and yet I still want the feeling of what I had for the past year.... that was actually enough for me... the problem is.. it wasn't enough for her.  ..and it had to end.  I am sorry that I couldn't be enough to keep it going... to be the one to give her all she needed. I guess I truly didn't know what she needed.  ...it was more than support.. more than to have someone who cared about her more than anyone else.  ...I even give her space now.. because she wants it.. she told me that so many times in the past couple of months. ...she has her space.  I still care deeply for her.. and I always will.  I genuinely hope that things are better for her now.  I don't want her to suffer.  ...but unfortunately life is about suffering..

I was a very happy.. even somewhat funny person at one time.  I got a comment yesterday that made me realize that I'm not happy... or even remotely funny anymore.  I guess I can't be. I want to be like I used to... but that person is slowly disappearing..  I'm lost now.. not gone.. but lost... buried in a deep mountain of excrement.  I want to have what I did have... I could live like for years and years.. and be happy.  ...but the past is the past. It could never be like that again... too much has happened for me to be able to return to that... but the truth is.. I would still be there for her anytime she needed me.  Support her with all that I have.. and all that I am... I know who she is.. even with all my sharp comments.. I can't believe that she purposely hurt me.   I can only assume that she doesn't want to be in my life.. The last conversation that we had... she said.. that if she gave me an inch.. I take a mile...  I don't want to "take" anything from anyone... I only wanted to be freely given..  I haven't logged in while I knew she was online since that night over 2 weeks ago...  I check my messages every morning on my computer.. and each evening.. on my phone... to see if there is any indication that she wants to talk with me again.. but nothing ever is there.  I wonder about her still .. constantly.. hoping that her life has settled a bit.. that things are better.. but I still know nothing. 

A friend.. is someone who can share a part of themself with you.. it doesn't have to be highly intimate.. but when we share the feelings that are close to us.. we are that much closer of a friend.. I feel like I only have one really close friend now.. and I am so thankful for her.  I try to be there for her.. and support her ...but I have gotten the better end of the deal.. she's supported me through all of this.. and been so great in not destroying my ideas... even if she doesn't agree with them.  I feel sad for her sometimes... because she deserves someone in her life that can give her what she needs.. and I know that person isn't me... I constantly remind her where my heart is.. even though she never asks.. I push her away in that capacity.. and she is very respectful of that.. she truly does support me.  ..a wonderful friend who will hopefully always be in my life.. she sought me out.. as a friend.. when I was at my lowest.. and was just there.. when I needed her to be ...even when I was pushing everyone away... she knew me well enough to know what I was going through was hurting me.. and that I was just reacting to the pain I was feeling. I'm glad she's in my life.  I will try to always be there for her too.. however I can support her. I just can't give what I don't have.. and she understands that. She's been hurt recently.. and wears her heart on her sleeve as I do.. so is easily hurt... She hasn't given up on relationships though.. she's not as jaded as I am..  and I hope things are wonderful in her life.. She's a true friend.

I am working late again tonight.. as usual.. but I'm hoping to spend some time this weekend playing my game.. and getting a bit of rest.. my life has grown soooo tiresome.