As always...
I opened my eyes this morning and thought to myself.. why do I have to get up? ..what would happen if I didn't? Then I realized that I needed to get up .. not for anyone else.. but for me.. I needed to continue on.. so I could look myself in the mirror at the end of the day... and say I did the best I could. That's the only person we need to do things for.. ourselves.. we only have our integrity.. everything else can be stripped away from us.. It takes many people their whole lives to realize this. My spouse knows I talk with someone over the internet as I play the game.. It's not like I'm having cybersex or anything.. I don't need to hide anything from anyone.. with that one exception.. I don't offer my spouse information on my past couple of years... and that is my only compromise of myself. Other than that.. my life is an open book. I choose to continue to be honest on all other accounts.. and will try to maintain that. It is actually a very nice feeling. I don't lie to my dad.. I only refrain from discussing things with my daughters because my oldest said she didn't want to know anything else until we had a plan. ...but it is slowly unfolding.. I am building up a little money. I have started looking for a job for my spouse... we'll see how it goes.
I've noticed another visitor that infrequently shows up.. and I have to say this.. I don't harbor any ill will toward anyone.. things happen and sometimes they're out of our control. I don't have anything against.. any of you.. this blog is just about me.. unloading things that I need to get out. You do the things you need to do .. and I'll continue just as I am.. I won't try to be hurtful.. mean.. or spiteful... that's not my nature. If anyone is offended by what I say.. I'm sorry.. that doesn't mean I'll stop.. everything I say.. is what I feel.. what is going on "under my hat" You had no more to play in all of this than anyone else.. including myself. I hope you find what it is that you seek also. I won't harbor hate or vindictiveness... if I do that.. then I lose a large bit of what is left of me. There are some people that don't trust me.. I don't blame them.. I'm sure if they were put in my circumstances.. they would act much differently than I am.. I can't do that.. I can't allow myself to change.. especially not to "get even" ...we are never "even" with anyone else. ...all we can do is just hope to survive each day. I read a blog yesterday about judgement.. and yes.. we do all judge.. and some of my judgement has come out in this blog.. does that mean I think any less of a person. I trust no one completely.. I can't.. I won't. I judge the online community because I have found that most everyone is a cheater... and can't change. I strive to change.. that's why I'm offline.. I have regained composure and continue my behavior in a manner that I can live with. I choose not to be involved with anyone else as more than a friend.. why? yes.. it's because I feel that I will just be destroyed emotionally again.. but on top of that.. I am establishing myself as a person to be trusted.. whether she knows.. or not... that's not the point.. if you do something behind someone's back.. you aren't hurting them as much as you are disrespecting yourself. If you feel the need to hide something from someone.. then it is more than likely.. WRONG. ...it makes you ashamed.. It causes you guilt.. to be perfectly honest.. I never felt very guilty.. I did feel some guilt.. and I justified it by saying I was only married on paper.. I see my life slowly heading in another direction.. Even when I'm free of this marriage.. I've been shown that most people are just after something new and shiny that crosses their path.. and if they can live with that.. I have no reason to stop them. As for myself, I choose to plan for the long term.. even if that means being alone forever.. at least I can look myself in the mirror and like who I see. I just have one major obstacle coming up...
Thanksgiving is next week. I will be with umpteen family members at my grandmother's party... My parents are doing a lunch... because non of the rest of us will be able to make it any other day.. so.. there are two meals.. same day.. and I don't eat much of anything anymore.. so I will have to duck into the crowd.. put stuff on my plate.. and throw it away. I won't get sucked into overeating this holiday season like I do most. I dread having to walk in front of my family.. and lie.. I won't tell them all that my marriage has crumbled.. and that I'm leaving.. I figure some of them may already know.. those that don't.. will find out soon enough. I'm not really close to many of them.. and most all of them.. I see once or twice a year. I can't justify causing a lot of drama by confronting the rumor-mongers in my family.. so I'll just let them continue with whatever story they want to go with.
I will be working over again tonight.. as usual. I will have 80 hours of overtime on my next check.. maybe more.. it makes for a really nice paycheck.. but I need to start getting used to living on less money. I am finding that the more I am making.. the more my family spends... I guess that's like it is with anyone.. the more you give.. the more people take. At least I've found that to be the norm. I like giving.. and helping.. and doing what I can... it gives me a feeling of satisfaction.. to know I've made a difference in someone's life.. it's why I'm an instructor... I have these two modes in me.. my normal mode.. and "instructor mode".. I jump into instructor mode any time I want to get my point across. it's very annoying to most.. but it's part of who I am. I know I've just been ranting about several things this morning.. but I had a lot of mixed ideas running through my head.. and just wanted to get them out there.. I will find plenty more to rant about tomorrow.. as always...
I've noticed another visitor that infrequently shows up.. and I have to say this.. I don't harbor any ill will toward anyone.. things happen and sometimes they're out of our control. I don't have anything against.. any of you.. this blog is just about me.. unloading things that I need to get out. You do the things you need to do .. and I'll continue just as I am.. I won't try to be hurtful.. mean.. or spiteful... that's not my nature. If anyone is offended by what I say.. I'm sorry.. that doesn't mean I'll stop.. everything I say.. is what I feel.. what is going on "under my hat" You had no more to play in all of this than anyone else.. including myself. I hope you find what it is that you seek also. I won't harbor hate or vindictiveness... if I do that.. then I lose a large bit of what is left of me. There are some people that don't trust me.. I don't blame them.. I'm sure if they were put in my circumstances.. they would act much differently than I am.. I can't do that.. I can't allow myself to change.. especially not to "get even" ...we are never "even" with anyone else. ...all we can do is just hope to survive each day. I read a blog yesterday about judgement.. and yes.. we do all judge.. and some of my judgement has come out in this blog.. does that mean I think any less of a person. I trust no one completely.. I can't.. I won't. I judge the online community because I have found that most everyone is a cheater... and can't change. I strive to change.. that's why I'm offline.. I have regained composure and continue my behavior in a manner that I can live with. I choose not to be involved with anyone else as more than a friend.. why? yes.. it's because I feel that I will just be destroyed emotionally again.. but on top of that.. I am establishing myself as a person to be trusted.. whether she knows.. or not... that's not the point.. if you do something behind someone's back.. you aren't hurting them as much as you are disrespecting yourself. If you feel the need to hide something from someone.. then it is more than likely.. WRONG. ...it makes you ashamed.. It causes you guilt.. to be perfectly honest.. I never felt very guilty.. I did feel some guilt.. and I justified it by saying I was only married on paper.. I see my life slowly heading in another direction.. Even when I'm free of this marriage.. I've been shown that most people are just after something new and shiny that crosses their path.. and if they can live with that.. I have no reason to stop them. As for myself, I choose to plan for the long term.. even if that means being alone forever.. at least I can look myself in the mirror and like who I see. I just have one major obstacle coming up...
Thanksgiving is next week. I will be with umpteen family members at my grandmother's party... My parents are doing a lunch... because non of the rest of us will be able to make it any other day.. so.. there are two meals.. same day.. and I don't eat much of anything anymore.. so I will have to duck into the crowd.. put stuff on my plate.. and throw it away. I won't get sucked into overeating this holiday season like I do most. I dread having to walk in front of my family.. and lie.. I won't tell them all that my marriage has crumbled.. and that I'm leaving.. I figure some of them may already know.. those that don't.. will find out soon enough. I'm not really close to many of them.. and most all of them.. I see once or twice a year. I can't justify causing a lot of drama by confronting the rumor-mongers in my family.. so I'll just let them continue with whatever story they want to go with.
I will be working over again tonight.. as usual. I will have 80 hours of overtime on my next check.. maybe more.. it makes for a really nice paycheck.. but I need to start getting used to living on less money. I am finding that the more I am making.. the more my family spends... I guess that's like it is with anyone.. the more you give.. the more people take. At least I've found that to be the norm. I like giving.. and helping.. and doing what I can... it gives me a feeling of satisfaction.. to know I've made a difference in someone's life.. it's why I'm an instructor... I have these two modes in me.. my normal mode.. and "instructor mode".. I jump into instructor mode any time I want to get my point across. it's very annoying to most.. but it's part of who I am. I know I've just been ranting about several things this morning.. but I had a lot of mixed ideas running through my head.. and just wanted to get them out there.. I will find plenty more to rant about tomorrow.. as always...
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