Just watching my life pass by..

I sit here.. taking a few minutes of break while playing my game.. and I am pondering the day.. I'm glad my friend had a decent birthday.. but I will always remember this day for another reason.. it's the day that I found out my mother probably has 2 - 4 months to live... it's difficult to think about that.. but I know that she has had a good life.. it just goes to support my idea that everyone leaves.... even if they don't plan on it.. things happen that are beyond our control.. I care about my mother.. and I will miss her.. so much.. I don't want her to go.. but I realize that I have to accept it.. these last few months have reminded me that I don't really have a say so in who comes into.. or out of my life.. I am still numb.. but I can't really be any other way.. I know my father will have a difficult time of it.. I almost think he will try to move in with one of us.. I told my daughters.. and I don't think it has hit them very much.. they seem to be ok.. I am sort of glad to see my mother move on to a better life.. I do believe in God.. and in heaven.. and I know she does too.. I know if anyone is going to an afterlife.. it's her.. she's always lived a very calm.. and old-fashioned life.. not doing anything that might intrude on others.. she was always mindful of others feelings.. and I know that she will be sorely missed.. I sort of feel like I'm writing a eulogy.. I don't mean it to be such.. I just don't know how to handle this.. I do care.. that she is leaving.. but I don't see how it really matters what I do at this point.. I'll visit her.. hug her.. and tell her I love her.. that's about all I can do.. I don't know that I would do anything differently as far as she is concerned however... I maintain a fairly close relationship with her... even though we don't talk much.. I am sure it will probably be hard in the coming months.. this.. piled on top of everything else.. but I'll survive.. that's all I really need to do.. I won't be in a good place.. I won't be able to support much more than I am doing now.. especially emotionally.. I am limited in the number of people I trust enough to lean on.. I feel like that the next bit of my life was inevitable.. that things were so good.. they had to be so bad now.. sort of like a balance...  yeah.. it can always get worse.. but if it were much worse.. I am certain I would have to seek professional help.  I feel sometimes like I'm almost at my breaking point.. I can't be a father.. or husband.. or teacher.. or friend.. at the moment.. all I can be is me.. just trying to survive another day.. someone recently called me a "zombie"... I guess I am.. that's all I have the strength to be.. the only thing I can do.. out of all the people in my life.. my daughters would be where it would hit me hardest.. my mother.. next.. I think in time.. I'll grieve.. I've already done more crying in the last 3 months.. than in the last 20 years.. so.. I'm just about cried out.. I don't have much more grieving in me at the moment.. it's no one's fault.. just things that evidently had to be.. I don't even have the strength to reach out now.. I just feel like I'm falling.. I hope I land on something soft.. I've been falling for a LONG time now.. each day a little worse.. a little more piled up on me.. I am afraid even to hug my daughters.. that they might leave me next.. if that happened.. I'd check myself into a psych ward.. I do know that this setback will probably inevitably delay my leaving my spouse.. or it might push me into retreating into my own little world.. away from everyone... and everything.. I am still not sure how it will go.. I feel like an observer.. just watching my life pass by..