I'm Almost There

I sorta wonder if maybe I try to keep some things from myself by not talking about them. I mean... there are several areas in my life that I choose to keep quiet about... and after giving it a bit of thought... I'm thinking that I just want to hang on to a few private issues that maybe I don't want to share. That's a bit unlike me though, because I've always thought of myself as an open book when it comes to what's in my head... maybe it's because I know certain people read my blog and I don't want them to know... whatever it is... I'm not sure I like the secrecy in my own mind. I'm sure I'll be more than willing to talk about things as time moves on and they don't weigh on me. I have several things in my life that I think about... intimacy, family life, my job, friends, my future... etc. "etc." is a powerful word... it can incorporate a large number of vague things, thoughts or ideas. I know I'm picking apart my brain when I say this, but I have to wonder if I use "etc." because I don't want to elaborate... or if it's just a time saving feature in my writing. I usually have lots of time to write, so I'm doubting it is the latter. For the most part, I like transparency. I find that when someone isn't transparent, they are usually trying to hide something. That's been the case throughout most of my dealings with people. On several occasions people love to hide things from themselves because they don't want to deal with reality... or maybe they're afraid they will hurt someone and by doing that, hurt themselves. I have hurt more than my share of people over the years, and have felt bad about it for varying lengths of time... For instance, when a person is sincere and I've hurt them... I feel like an ass for awhile... but if a person is a regular twatwaffle... I tend to get over the wrongs I've done to them in a more timely manner. I think it's that way with most people. It's much easier to blame someone else if we can cast them in a villain role, but I don't believe most people are heroes... or villains.. instead, people are pupils of life, trying to figure out their role ...and they make mistakes... some of us tend to repeat those mistakes over and over because we become oblivious to our learning curve. I actually have learned several things by watching the mistakes of others... and I continue to learn things even now... and will do so in the future. It's much easier on ourselves if we aren't involved in the trials and tribulations life throws at us... but it is bothersome to watch someone we care about go through things we wish didn't have to happen. It think it's the same with our kids... we try to warn them about mistakes we have made or observed, but they, as with most, tend to think that this is different... or that things will work out in a positive manner this time. I've learned that it's much better to play the odds.. the long shot might pose more rewards, but it also can cause greater loss. There are several people in my life I observe with their own hardships and troubles... and at times I'd love to help... as that is the type of person I choose to be. But people can't learn as much if they don't experience life for themselves, and sometimes by shielding someone you prevent them from learning... no matter how difficult it is to understand life's learning methods... as long as it doesn't cause permanent damage... it's best to let things unfold. I know sometimes it seems as though I sit here on my high horse and judge other people, but we all do that... we all pass judgements.. we just tend not to vocalize or elaborate on some of those judgements. This blog is a sounding board for me... I say things here that I try to spare others feelings by not vocalizing in public, even though this is semi-public. But I have created this as a haven, or safe place for me to spout out what's going on in my mind. Most don't seem to understand that and then end up passing judgement on me for what I say here. For those that seem to care what thoughts are in my head... I'm trying to be open and honest... but I've already discovered that I'm not as open as I thought I was... maybe it really is so difficult to unburden yourself of everything. It's not like I need anyone's approval... but possibly it's because I really don't want to hurt anyone when it comes to certain, private matters. I never know who might stumble across this and be offended... well... I need to get over that... and if people choose to be offended that's their choice... what I have said here is words... if that is offensive to someone, then evidently I have much more power in your life than I've given myself credit. I've always said... that I am responsible for my thoughts and my actions... and reactions. If someone causes me to react ...or provokes thoughts or actions from me... then I have given them that power and importance in my life. There are a multitude of people I have let have that power over the years. If I focus, I can get back to being me... and not the product of the reactions others have tried to make me. It's still difficult at times, but I'm working at it... and I'm almost there.