I'm Looking Forward To A New Year.
Been through ice the last few days... lots of time to take off between now and the end of the year... but I will get it in. I tend to not worry about much of anything lately. There's no need.. life is perfect... or at least headed in a perfect direction. I am still irritated at my boss and don't feel that I can truly talk to her without wanting to slap some sense into her... and I'm not a violent person... I don't like the feelings she provokes in me. I haven't felt those feelings before. I would never contemplate seriously hurting anyone on purpose... but with her.. I just want answers... show me WHY you would do such a thing. Not a whole lot I can do about it now.. I will just ride it out until I can go elsewhere... it won't be much longer anyway.
I got new glasses yesterday. They are the first plastic frames I've had in 30+ years... black and simple. I actually am growing to like them in a hurry. I spent my time driving to and from the city on the phone... and I enjoyed myself thoroughly. Something I've discovered sort of has me wondering... I no longer want to masturbate. It's not that I am not sexually aroused, it's just that I have only done so once since meeting with her almost a month and a half ago... and it left me... wanting.. just wondering why I did it... it was my hand.. that's all.. I've become so aware of that. I can't come close to the sensations I felt when I was with her.. and all I desire is to be back at that point. I honestly don't know if I'll masturbate again. ...but if I don't it will be okay. My energy is being built up and I'm being constructive. I'm getting things done. I won't say it won't happen, but at this point, all I can think about is being with her. I know I'm a little obsessed, but I won't let it control my life. I choose to be who I am. I feel like I have more control over myself and my life than I've ever had. I think that's what most people want, anyway ...to feel like their life isn't spiraling out of control. I truly understand that. I enjoy life now. I look forward to waking up each day. I spend 2 or more hours each day talking to her, and I learn more and more all the time... it's not about sex... well.. not mostly anyway.. but it's about discovering each other. There are no limitations to what I can discuss with her. That is refreshing, itself. I find myself craving to just talk to her.. but understanding when I can't. It's a step-by-step process that we will work through. Some people may say that I let myself fall too deep again.. and they are right in one sense.. yes. I let myself fall.. but this is far beyond the "deepness" that I've ever felt. we connect on so many levels it's frightening. I've had very close friends in my life that I care deeply for... but no one has evoked this ... sense of right. Everything is right about this... and I can just be.. and let it happen. I do what I can when I can.. and so does she.. but there is no mistrust.. there is no expectations.. well.. that's sort of a lie.. I expect things for the future.. but so does she.. The main thing is there is no timetable.. I suspect in 2014.. things will begin to unfold and life will take over... and I'm looking forward to a new year.
I got new glasses yesterday. They are the first plastic frames I've had in 30+ years... black and simple. I actually am growing to like them in a hurry. I spent my time driving to and from the city on the phone... and I enjoyed myself thoroughly. Something I've discovered sort of has me wondering... I no longer want to masturbate. It's not that I am not sexually aroused, it's just that I have only done so once since meeting with her almost a month and a half ago... and it left me... wanting.. just wondering why I did it... it was my hand.. that's all.. I've become so aware of that. I can't come close to the sensations I felt when I was with her.. and all I desire is to be back at that point. I honestly don't know if I'll masturbate again. ...but if I don't it will be okay. My energy is being built up and I'm being constructive. I'm getting things done. I won't say it won't happen, but at this point, all I can think about is being with her. I know I'm a little obsessed, but I won't let it control my life. I choose to be who I am. I feel like I have more control over myself and my life than I've ever had. I think that's what most people want, anyway ...to feel like their life isn't spiraling out of control. I truly understand that. I enjoy life now. I look forward to waking up each day. I spend 2 or more hours each day talking to her, and I learn more and more all the time... it's not about sex... well.. not mostly anyway.. but it's about discovering each other. There are no limitations to what I can discuss with her. That is refreshing, itself. I find myself craving to just talk to her.. but understanding when I can't. It's a step-by-step process that we will work through. Some people may say that I let myself fall too deep again.. and they are right in one sense.. yes. I let myself fall.. but this is far beyond the "deepness" that I've ever felt. we connect on so many levels it's frightening. I've had very close friends in my life that I care deeply for... but no one has evoked this ... sense of right. Everything is right about this... and I can just be.. and let it happen. I do what I can when I can.. and so does she.. but there is no mistrust.. there is no expectations.. well.. that's sort of a lie.. I expect things for the future.. but so does she.. The main thing is there is no timetable.. I suspect in 2014.. things will begin to unfold and life will take over... and I'm looking forward to a new year.
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