Under my Hat

Wow! ...just WOW!  ...I'm so nervous and excited, I almost can't stand it.  Thursday is the meeting with the divorce lawyer, but it looks like something might be happening with my job near DC. I was asked to submit my resume ASAP yesterday... but it was too late in the day... this morning... 5 minutes after I sent it... I got a response from the Support Services Supervisor telling me the Center Director was going to try to do a lateral transfer... but that I still needed to put in for the position as soon as it posted... just to cover our bases... so it looks like I have the job.  I contacted a former co-worker that I knew very well... because I happen to remember she grew up in the area I'm looking to move... and she had lots of possible suggestions.  She is contacting friends and family in that area to see about finding me a decent place to live. I'm still a bit nervous about how much I will be left with... after the divorce... but I figure I'll make it somehow.....

The day my spouse and I meet with the attorney grows nearer and nearer... and I'd be lying if I didn't say that at times... I'm scared shitless. My spouse is going to go ahead and go through with the divorce... NOW.. even if I figure out I can't afford it yet. I know that my daughters will get about 850/mo.  ...but what I'm concerned about is how much they will give my spouse to live in alimony... if they give her much more than 400, I might be screwed... I'm not certain I can live on $1000 a month. I seem to be a bit more and more worried.. but I have no reason to be... not yet anyway.. I'm pretty sure I'm not going to have much support in my life very soon... so, yes.. it's a bit unnerving. I sometimes wonder about how the future is going to unfold... maybe I'm expecting too much change all at once... in my life anyway.  I guess I'll either move forward... or fall flat on my face.  The problem is that falling flat, may mean difficult times...

At what point do we start living our lives... instead of just existing from day to day?   I was raised in an environment where it was too dangerous to do most anything... I always had my dad... and to some extent, my mom... telling me not to do this... or not to do that.. because it was too dangerous. Well... life is dangerous. I could live in my bed.. not getting out of it except for going to work... but that's taking things to an extreme. I feel that even to this day I do mostly "existing" and not living... I suppose part of it is the fear of the unknown... that was bred into me starting at a very young age.  I feel inadequate to take on much, because no one has ever had faith in me to do so.. I have drawn courage from a few people in my life where I take off and actually live.. for a few days at a time, at least... but even then.. I have a decently thought out plan.. and don't take unnecessary risks.  I'm not saying that people should go out and become everyda...