Under my Hat

A few days have passed now.. not much is happening... but at the same time... quite a bit is going on..  I feel weird that I'm able to get most of my life in so few boxes... I look at the empty room around me and wonder what actually I've accomplished.  I am hoping that most of my accomplishments are found by looking at me through the eyes of others. I sometimes get struck by a wave of emotion that hits me hard... about to knock down the house of cards that I so precariously stacked.. waiting to get blown away with the first wind..   Other times I feel like a mountain of strength... a diamond..... put under so much pressure that I will remain solid throughout anything that works to break me.  I still have my concerns... my misgivings.. but I do now what I do.. because I have chosen the path I need to tread.. and there are few things in this world that could sway me from following the actions I have so meticulously examined... and re-examined..  Maybe I'm settin...

I'm on my 16 day break now... first day off and it was really a good one.  Of course now things seem to be falling into place. I always seemed to have a few reservations... it's difficult not to be a bit pessimistic after all the things I've come through... but it is getting much easier to look at the positive side of things now... especially when you don't do thing based on others... at least not the basic things... I do things for my daughters.. that much is true.. and I always will.. but I won't let any one factor control my life.  I always take into account the consequences.. but it's almost as though sometimes I am outside of my life... looking in... I've made so many mistakes, that I'm certain at times I will make others... and that's all a part of the journey... I am thankful for my mistakes as well as my victories... I've accomplished quite a bit in my life.. and if it were to be over tomorrow, I think it balances out to a good life live...

I had a bit of a difficult time last night falling asleep.  I know that I would be feeling a bit of sadness at not being around my daughters... but the weight of it all hit me at once last night. I cried myself to sleep.  I keep telling myself that it will be okay... and I really am sure it will be, but I know it will be difficult for them... and I feel badly about myself for putting them through this.  It's a dilemma that I knew I would face... but I figured I had already quelled those demons and put them behind me. I'm sure it will cause a tear in our relationship... I just don't want it to totally rip it apart. I will always be their father and will do my best to be here for them when they need me. I did get some good news... the government is covering pretty much the cost of the move... and more.. plus giving me admin leave to take care of things... it's somewhat ludicrous at the efficiency I've run into so far... maybe I shouldn't even say anything ...as...

It's finally official... I'm completely insane... well... that's not official.. but perhaps true... what I'm talking about is my new job.  I've gotten official word to report on January 11. It's both a wonderful thing... and a sad thing at the same time.  I'm finally headed in a direction I've wanted to go... just for me.. at the same time, I'm going to miss my little girls.. even though they're not quite so little anymore. I am going to continue to talk daily... and we will Skype often... but it's not exactly the same... I will only get to hug them a few times a year...  That in itself is what makes it sad. I knew it was coming to this point, but I can't have my cake and eat it too.. I am certain things will change with us... but I'm hoping they don't grow to resent the fact that I moved out. I love them both more than anything else on the planet... and I always will..  Sometimes, I feel a bit selfish at pursing the life I want....

The government still tends to be one of the most disorganized places I've ever worked.  I've been given verbal confirmation by various people that I will be transferring... including the two people who are locally in charge of both places... but that's not enough... I've been told that the head of the whole division of our agency has blessed this transfer... still, OPM or whoever is supposed to do the paperwork... is dropping the ball.. I haven't received anything as of yet, nothing on paper that says I have gotten anything. It's been all verbal. I am thinking they will come the week before and then say... hey... in 7 days you are to report to the other station some 600 miles away... ummmmm, no.  I can't do that.. at least I don't think I can... I have to get with people to find a place to live... I have to do all kinds of stuff... just to keep my head above water.   Otherwise I'll be living out of my Jeep for awhile... and I really don't wanna ...