Have Faith In Myself.

A few days have passed now.. not much is happening... but at the same time... quite a bit is going on..  I feel weird that I'm able to get most of my life in so few boxes... I look at the empty room around me and wonder what actually I've accomplished.  I am hoping that most of my accomplishments are found by looking at me through the eyes of others. I sometimes get struck by a wave of emotion that hits me hard... about to knock down the house of cards that I so precariously stacked.. waiting to get blown away with the first wind..   Other times I feel like a mountain of strength... a diamond..... put under so much pressure that I will remain solid throughout anything that works to break me.  I still have my concerns... my misgivings.. but I do now what I do.. because I have chosen the path I need to tread.. and there are few things in this world that could sway me from following the actions I have so meticulously examined... and re-examined..  Maybe I'm setting myself up for failure... but it's not like I haven't seen that before.  I will work things out as I come to them.

One of my obvious problems is that I have too much emotion built up inside of me. I have always been that way, I think.. Even though I try to think in a logical manner, I have this raging fire burning inside of me.  I want to share it... Years ago... I wanted to share it with my spouse... but sadly, she didn't recognize it... or maybe she did, but didn't want to get close enough to me to get burned... It appears that she was burned a bit in the long run anyway. I have this passion for life that I want to explore.. Is everyone like that?  I can almost feel sometimes like jumping in my Jeep and driving away... I wouldn't... for as much wanderlust as I have inside, I still have that logical side keeping me in check. It keeps me from screwing myself.. and perhaps those around me.  I look at the people in my life.. and wonder what they think... I mean.. I know what they say.. but there is very little action in my life right now... I am making everything happen for me.  That is a good thing.. I am making my choices on my own.. and have no one to blame but myself,  still I have words of encouragement coming from all directions... but I'm still alone in all of this.  I  am pretty sure I will need to focus on that.. become comfortable in my own skin and explore the depths of who I am by myself... before I can act on being anything more. I will strive to improve who I am.. and work to make myself a better person always.

What does being a "better person" mean.  I hurt... I laugh.. I cry.. I feel joy.. just like everyone else.  But is it so bad to have a little dependency on those around me?  I think that's part of what makes us human.  I want to be human.. I don't want to be a machine... living an autonomous existence.. going through the motions every day as I make it to the end of the day.  That's too much of what I was becoming before I decided to make changes in my life.  I sometimes pretend I know exactly what I'm doing... I have to do that for those around me... to show that strength that I won't be a victim to the whims of unplanned actions.  I seem to always need some sort of plan.  The plan doesn't have to be complex... but I am  pretty sure I am just looking for something to follow..  I'm more of a negotiator than a leader... I negotiate with other people in my life... I negotiate with life itself as each day I compromise what I need to ... to get done what I'm trying to accomplish.  Still there's no reason to surrender any part of myself that I don't want to let go.  I am a very passionate person inside.. I have so many strong emotions struggling to get to the surface... but I push many of them back down.  It's not appropriate to display them... Some people might look on it as a sign of weakness..   I have cried more than my share lately...  but looking back the past 10 years or so... I've shed many a tear... for so many reasons.  I struggle constantly with myself, trying to make certain that I'm doing the right thing.. I second guess myself... even third guess... I know what I'm doing is the best action overall... but the collateral damage remains to be seen.  Nothing in this life is certain... we can only follow what we feel to be right.. and remain true to that.  I have faith in many things. I need to continue to have faith in myself. 

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