As a reminder.

Given a chance to do things over... that question was posed once to me.. and most of the time.. I feel that doing things over could lead to worse circumstances if I changed anything.. in the place I am now.. I know things could possibly get worse.. but yes.. I'd do things over.. I'd completely steer clear of the sites... knowing what I do now... I know there is some good that came from it.. but the bad by far outweighs the good.. I still wake up each day the same.. hurting.. and I know that I always will.. it doesn't matter what people tell me.. that I will get over it.. that I will move on... that I will find something better.. I really won't get over it.. I'll just adjust to the pain I feel.. right now.. with everything going on in my life.. it's very difficult to adjust... but I'll do it.. because that's my only viable alternative... I won't move on.. but I won't go back to what I had either.. that's impossible.. she made sure to burn the bridge there..  I won't find something better.. because I found the best thing that ever happened to me.. made me feel like nothing else in the world could bring me down.. and then she was the one that brought me down.. yes.. I'm still lamenting.. still carrying on.. I can't stop caring about her  ...any more than I could stop breathing.. but I am resolved to live with my mistakes.. I was told that the reason I am so hurt.. and can't get over it.. is that I am trying to figure out what I did wrong.... truthfully.. I don't feel I did anything wrong..  I did everything I would do again if I believed in love... but.. I see what believing in love.. and following your heart can do.. so no more..  People say it is better to have loved and lost.. than never to have loved at all.. I call bullshit.. it might be better to care for someone.. but to completely love someone.. with all that you are.. and then lose them.. the video I posted awhile back.. Johnny Cash.. Hurt... showed that he really was probably thinking of the great loses in his life.. his wife June... and he made it apparent in his song.. "my empire of dirt" doesn't really matter to me anymore.. I can have whatever.. and it doesn't make up for the loss I feel.. the emptiness I have inside of me.. I do still feel like a shell.. I have a bit of compassion for my friends still left.. but if I have to blog about the same thing every day to keep reminding me of how believing in love can destroy you when you find out that it doesn't exist.. I will.  I won't let myself go down that path again... I can't... and I will keep reminding myself.. of the pain it causes.. of the hurt I can't let go of.. so those that choose to be a part of my life.. deal with it.. this is who I am now.. and I'm not going to let myself change.. yes.. I'm that stubborn..

My mom came home from the hospital yesterday.. I am working Saturday.. but if I don't work Sunday I will go by and see her... I hope I can keep my composure in front of her.. I've broken down crying the last couple of times I've been to visit her.. and had to leave the room.. I think I sort of hid it.. but I'm sure everyone could tell.. this was crying not over my mom.. because I didn't know about her condition at that time.. when I get to thinking about things.. it's too much for me if I can't let them out.. that's what I'm doing here.. I know my friends say for me to let it all out.. but I can't.. I can't let go of the pain.. I don't want to.. I want it to serve to remind me how cruel life is.. how cruel people are.. and how much I screw up when I trust someone with everything I am... anyway.. my mother is doing ok.. she has some medication... and will meet Monday to discuss her limited options... I have been able to face that she will be eventually dying anyway.. and I will support her the best I can.. by not changing my behavior around her.. not making her feel uncomfortable.. as long as she's still alive.. I know she'll still feel the pain.. that's what bothers me most.. I wish I could take that away from her.. and let her pass on peacefully.. if I could take the pain.. even with as much as I already have.. I would bear it for her..  but hopefully they'll give her medications to help her with that.. strange.. as much pain as I'm in.. and I don't believe in taking medications for my pain.. probably because I know that I will live.. there is no love out there... and I need my pain.. as a reminder..