A vicious cycle

So.. I got to sleep in this morning.. yeah.. right.. I don't seem to be able to let myself do that very often.. but I did sleep about 90 minutes later than I usually do.. which is something. I will be going to the eye doc today.. regular checkup.. but I have noticed a muscle spasm in my left eye.. about 5 - 7 times a day now.. where I used to have them maybe every couple of months.. I am certain it is stress related. I haven't done much lately online.. except my game.. I choose to stay immersed in it quite a bit.. I'm even playing by myself some now.. I've had multiple offers from old "friends" to run through instances.. but I'm not going to get that started.. I just seek to quest.. and work on different things.. no "end game" activities..  I have decided that social interaction.. just left online.. is poison anyway.. it is a major cause of pain in my life.. when I don't need anymore pain.. I have enough of that with my failing marriage.. my dying mother.. and my overbearing dad. I do understand that people will walk in and out of my life.. I expect it now.. no matter what else happens.. I refuse to think in terms of "forever" ...nothing is forever.. except maybe death..  an afterlife?  I don't know.. I don't even want to ponder that at the moment.. I know that the current life I have sucks pond scum through a straw.  I sometimes open myself up for more pain.. for more hurt.. by the actions I choose.. but I've always been like that... I have people that seem to care... but I never know what's really on their agenda.. I never know what lurks inside their mind.. I still don't trust anyone.. that point is evidently clear.. I take each day cautiously.. and continue to walk my little path through life.. waiting for the next bus to be thrown at me.. I missed the last one.. and got run over.. I'm still reeling from that.. I think about how things could have been.. and how they are.. and it bothers me to know that life really isn't changing for me.. because I refuse to let my attitude change.. I find things out daily that make me question myself.. am I doing the right thing?  am I interacting with people that are going to just cause problems for me? what am I doing?  I find myself questioning anyone still associated with the sites.. because of the crap I know from there.. I still think of them as a major source of my problems.. even though I'm not there anymore.. I left them.. because of the drama that stems from that place.. I will never go back.. and at some point I am certain that I will lose a friend or two.. because of them.. that's just the way things are.. over and over ..it's a vicious cycle..

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