I can't hope.

Trust
1 a : assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth or someone or something
   b: one in which confidence is placed
2 a: dependence on something future or contingent: HOPE


there's more.. but it talks about legal trusts etc. That is from the dictionary.  So.. in thinking that trust means having a dependence on something future.. I don't have any trust.. because I don't have a lot of hope left.. for the first definition.. assured reliance.. hmmmm.... I have varying degrees of that.. but to completely trust anyone.. would definitely not be something I can do... I gave up trusting a little over 3 months ago.. when I was shown that my hope for a future... was contingent on someone else's idea on what was best for me... or her... I have little say so in my life.. I've said that many times.. but I always have a choice.. we all do.  Her choice was to walk away.. from anything she felt from me.. my choice was to try to keep her.. but eventually she told me to leave her alone.. so I did.  I understand now.. sometimes what we trust in... is misplaced trust.. the heart can lead you down paths that you will spend a long, long time regretting... I am doing ok now.. I am beginning to deal a bit better... I can have a positive outlook for certain things... but that doesn't mean my attitude will change.. I know in my heart now that I will never have a future with her..  I don't want one.. I refuse to trust her.. or anyone else completely.  I have allowed myself to be open.. and I still will continue to be.. to anyone who wishes to be a part of my life.. but, there's still a part of myself.. one that I would share before.. that I have to keep inside.. the part that thinks that relationships more than friendship.. will eventually end.. I will hold on to that thought.. that's my belief.. I'm almost certain that after a length of time.. I would be the one to end it now.. before it got to a certain point.. because I couldn't allow myself to fall completely.. so that would make it unfair of me to subject anyone to thinking that a future with me would lead anywhere.. I believe in full disclosure..  and this is how I feel. 

I spent some time with a friend yesterday.. and felt a bit better.. but how often do we feel we are spinning our wheels.. I am able to share a huge portion of who I am.. and hopefully people can see me for exactly that.. I have no reason to try to hide anything.. I mean.. why should I ... I sent messages to someone I just got to know briefly.. and this person seems like a great person.. but I don't want anyone to think that I have a clue about what I expect.. I am only looking for friends.. I realize that my life is somewhat void of friendship outside of one person.  I am not certain that would be enough for anyone.. I am just getting to the point where I can care about things.. I suppose that's wrong.. I guess I've always cared.. I just chose not to show it.. I care about people.. I care about my job.. I care about getting through each day.. I just still don't care much about the future.. because I don't see a viable one.. I can't set a goal for the future.. because I have no reason to work toward something I don't believe in anymore. I continue to work overtime.. spend time away from my family.. and hope they learn to get along without me.. before I move out.. I still don't know how long that will be.. but I can't help but wish it were happening already.. I wanted so much out of life.. months ago.. now.. it really doesn't matter what happens.. I just expect the worst.. and can allow myself a bit of relief when it doesn't happen. I can't hope...