I am too guarded.

I've been told.. that the real me is hidden deep within.. that I am putting on a facade for those around me.. to protect myself.  who knows?  Maybe I am someone I don't even know.  My problem is.. that I don't have the desire.. or motivation to be anything differently than I am... maybe I have mental problems.. those that do, rarely ever know it.  I tend to focus on me lately.. I'm this.. I'm that.. and I somewhat overlook my friends... That's why I say I'm not a good friend.  I could be like the big firey head in The Wizard of Oz... with the little man inside the curtain... partially showing what I want to show... or the lion... not having the courage to face life and some of the happiness it has to offer... or maybe I'm the tin man.. who feels like he doesn't have the heart to love anyone... I suppose a part of me is like the scarecrow.. not having the brains to see things in front of me.. and of course.. there's Dorothy... I don't feel like I have a home either.. I just exist here.. waiting for events to come about where I can go to a place I can call home..  Toto?  ...I just do what I'm told lately.. feeling like I don't have much input in my life... the Wicked Witch... I only wanted something I thought I deserved... and it was taken from me.. now I'm on the quest to make myself and everyone around me miserable... Glenda the good witch.. I do see the positive in other people.. and I still try to encourage them to overlook the bad things in my life.. and do what makes them happy. I don't know after that.. if I might have multiple personality disorder... but actually I think that all parts are a part of me.. it makes up the true me... I have shown multiple sides of myself to various people.. but I'm still guarded... because I choose to continue to be.. I know I have people that care.. just as I care about other people.. but I need to maintain the course of only letting in people so far... People start out as words on a screen.. online.. and there's only so far that they can be... in ANY relationship.. whether it be friendship.. or more than friendship.. you can't "love" anyone you haven't met.. you can like the things you've seen from them... their words.. some of their actions... but for any of you that have been married.. you can't know a person until you've actually been with them for a bit. Sometimes we are very disappointed that the person we thought was there.. isn't.  We try to love people... but that isn't love.. that's just respect... for the positive things we've seen and have grown to care about... I still maintain that love isn't something I'm capable of ... now.. and for a long time.  What I thought was love.. has to be redefined.. and I guess I'm still doing that.. I had overwhelming feelings at one time.. that I won't allow myself to have now... I am too guarded..

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