Not In My Lifetime.

We all have this take on intimacy.. and what it means to them.. and I think for everyone.. intimacy can be in many different forms.. as far as physical intimacy.. I really don't see that being a part of my life in the future.. it's not because I don't want it.. but because the amount I have to open up myself for that.. is too great a risk.  I believe that people can be intimate...without having to touch.. but again.. I don't see how I can do that.. and give false indicators that I might be ready for a relationship as more than friends.. I have in the past.. on one occasion.. been physically intimate without taking the time to assure myself there was something more there.. and I knew her feelings were somewhere else.. it is something that still haunts me.. that I may have succumbed to the cravings of my body.. and afterwards.. I was so conflicted.. it didn't matter much.. because she was with someone else very shortly afterwards..  I invite people into my world.. so that I can get to know them as people.. that I can share a bit of my life with them... because we all need some companionship and human interaction.. some... I let in deeper than others.. but as my life.. and attitude are as they are... I don't want a completely intimate relationship.. I don't have enough left in me to carry on this endeavor.. I will continue to be who I am.. and I will continue to shut people out.. and push people away.. because I don't want to risk the hurt.. I am content where I am now.. I wouldn't say.. happy.. but I'm ok.. nothing bad happens.. I don't have to worry about the future.. because I don't see myself building a future..  I don't want to..  People come in and go out of my life.. If someone thinks that my attitude will change.. I feel very badly for them.. if that's what they're counting on.. I'm not letting it change.. yes.. at times.. I let my guard down.. and  open up more than I should.. but then.. when someone takes that opportunity to try to get close.. I will continue to shoot them down.. I am in control.. of my actions.. and it's those actions that other people that come in and out of my life must learn to accept.  I don't know how long my marriage will last.. when it will finally be over.. but at the moment.. I find it really hard to care about getting out of it... I will not ever try to revisit the past.. it's over.. the future.. will come.. and I will accept it.. or try to.. but the present.. I am in control of what I choose to be like.. and I choose not to allow anyone past a certain point. It doesn't irritate me.. or upset me when someone feels that I am .. or will be different in my thinking.. but it does sadden me a bit.. the head against the brick wall analogy does apply here.. and I'm the brick wall.. Do I have certain desires in my life.. yes. of course.. but I won't ever let follow through with those feelings... it opens up too many doors to a crash... we all like to see nice things.. that aren't there.. we all make ourselves believe in things that don't exist.. and sometimes it all seems so real.. but it's the point when everything seems so real.. and going so great.. that we can be hurt the worst..  My daughters.. get some of my attentions.. but I still limit that.. because even though I let them know I am here.. supporting them.. I won't be a major part of their life.. that opens up a hurt for them when I choose to remove myself from my marriage.. I'd rather they not have me actively involved now.. because the stress of me being gone would just be that much more on them. I will always be there when they need me.. but it's not like they need me all that much... they are developing their own life just fine with my working away from home so much.. it's not like I am gone yet.. but I'm working on it.