Maybe It's Time for a Winning Streak.

Another day... after another restless night... last night it was cloudy.. so there was little moonlight.. the room was actually pretty dark. I lay there and thought about things.. I have lost a lot of my motivation. I had a strong work ethic.. but sometimes I wonder.. why?   what has it gotten me?  ...just more and more work to do... Sometimes I want to re-evaluate who I am.. I am not certain I like me at the moment.. and I need to work on that.. I think that at times.. we all.. stray.. from the path we put before ourselves. Some of us have ideas.. or plans.. As for myself, I'm a planner.. but it doesn't matter about a lot of what we try to plan for.. there are too many inconsistencies in the universe to really believe in anything substantial.. I have enough problem maintaining who I want to be.. sometimes I want to just say... "Fuck it... I've done all I feel like doing.. and now I just want to exist."  I'm tired of putting forth an effort. Maybe that's part of my problem.. I spend so much time trying to please people.. I've lost myself a bit. I have so many times where I just want to get in my car.. and drive away... I don't even care where.. I'm still stuck in my room.. for now.. I guess I just need to concentrate on next January.. and when I am able to take off... I suppose I need to start planning for that myself.. I feel that emotionally.. I am completely ready for that.. but I know I need to try to start saving some money... last fall.. I was able to keep myself busy by working so much overtime.. right now.. I haven't been approved for any overtime.. I have to watch where my money goes.. since I have sorta overextended myself a bit.. I suppose that was my fault.. but I will be able to overcome that too.. I feel like maybe I try to buy the affection of others... I don't mean to be that way.. I just want to help when it comes to monetary situations. I remember how difficult it can be to get out from under not being able to afford things. I wish I could fix the situations of all my friends.. but I can't.. I will be in Vegas next Friday... I'm taking $100 to "blow" ...my chances are better there of hitting a jackpot than winning the lottery I always talk about. Still, it's very unlikely. I can't see me doing anything but spending that $100...that will be the last extravagance I will splurge on for awhile. I seem to have lost in most everything else I've done lately.. maybe it's time for a winning streak.

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