I'm Here For Me.

I get to thinking sometimes that what I say.. really doesn't matter to anyone.. and then realize.. I don't care if it matters to anyone or not.. it matters to me.  I will sometimes do something that makes me think of the past.. and more often than not, I get a bit sad.  My co-worker today asked me about how things were with my mom when she was so bad off... I know it was because she is scared.. I told her about how it hit all of a sudden.. and was very aggressive.  She was diagnosed with liver cancer.. much like my mom.. and a few of her lymph nodes were removed as well as a small portion of her liver.   Now she is undergoing radiation.  I sat with her for a bit.. and told her that no matter what.. she would be okay.. because it really wasn't in our hands now.  She wanted to know about how things went... and I told her.  I didn't pull any punches.. and I could see how she was a little concerned.... and I figured I had unreasonably frightened this lady.. she is my mom's age and I really didn't want to hurt her.. but she asked.  In any case.. after we talked for awhile.. and she could see that I was sincerely  wanting to be someone she could talk to if she needed, she asked me if it was okay if she needed to talk again.. if I would be willing to talk with her.  I think that no one would give her the open honesty she was seeking about what the possible outcomes were.  I think that she wasn't as far gone as my mom.. but if I can make her feel a bit better about things.. or help her in any way.. maybe my experience with my mom wasn't quite as meaningless as I felt when she was dying. I don't have any answers.. and I can't solve many problems.. but I always have opinions.. and evidently...in a roundabout way.. experience.  I hope never have to put anyone that cares for me through that... but I don't have any control over that either.  I think sometimes people just want another person they can communicate with. Someone they feel.. understands them... or at least can relate.  I think about all the times in my life I've tried to be there for people when they've needed me.. or at least when I felt they needed me.. and maybe I've made a difference somewhere along the way.  It's nice to be needed.. but maybe I've caused my share of burdens too.. hopefully the positive outweighs the negative. Even if it doesn't... there's not much more I'm going to do about it now, anyway.  I am through trying to atone for my past.. and there isn't much there I care to remember anyway.. most of it is just painful memories.  I've always tried to do the best I could to be there for people.. now it's my turn.. I'm here for me.