Reality... And Fantasy Are In Conflict.

Another Sunday.... and here I sit... I was up a bit late last night chatting with a friend about things... and as much as I can try to tell people what I think is going to happen with them.. I can't make them see how they are going to wind up going through so much crap over and over again.  It's because most people cannot break the cycle..   ...find someone that professes their love for them...   ...have a wonderful experience for 2.. 3.. maybe 6 months.... then watch it all turn to crap again...  "Ohh.. but this time.. it's different..  ...this time.. they really love me.."    ...yeah... right.. just like last time.. and the time before that.   People want to believe what they want to believe.. and no amount of talk is going to dissuade them otherwise.  We're all like children... and I've always said that the best teacher is experience.  I've been through the pain that taught me.. I might not have learned my lesson the first time.. but even after having myself ripped apart... I let go once more.. knowing full well that I shouldn't have.. and learned my lesson completely... the final course so so speak.. so until a person has reached as low as they can without dying... I guess the hope of being in something substantial still has the allure that cannot be shaken.  Someone might look at this and think I am jealous...  maybe a bit.. that it was so nice to be that naive.. but then all I have to remember is the eventual end.. and I'm no longer jealous... and I hate to see anyone go through that..  I can't do a thing about it.. and I won't.. There is no reason for me to make someone go through agony of not having what they want... I'll let them experience it firsthand.. and at some point maybe they will learn.  Most everyone is going to go through various degrees of trials and tribulations.. but look where these people are.. they're in a fantasy world.. fantasy = not real.. what's so difficult to understand about that.. then they get sucked deeper and deeper into the fantasy.. and then it becomes.. possible that it could be real... finally it begins to turn real.. and things break apart.. but it's too late.. the damage is done.  Most people will hold back a part of themselves.. because deep down.. they know it's not real.. but that deep down part... will slowly loosen it's hold on reality.. letting us believe that maybe we are living that very tiny possibility.... that we've found someone substantial.. and some of us become a part of it.. welcome it.. then it interlaces with your soul... a viable possible real relationship... and because of this.. we invest more and more of ourselves into it... finally when the crash and burn takes place.. it is ripped from us.. and rips out a part of our soul with it.. I'm not saying that my experience is any worse than some others.. but it was about as devastating as I could handle.. and it was deep enough pain that I'll always remember it.. the strange thing is the worst pain wasn't the last..  but the last was enough to open a wound that will never heal.. I know that now.. but I've adjusted to the missing pieces of myself.. and only occasionally does it hurt.. rarely even... but I don't have the capability to trust completely.. because I went down that road.. even afterwards.. people will say what they want.. to get what they want.. and I say.. let them. We all have to learn... even if it is the hard way. I have strong support in my life right now.. and I believe in a certain amount of trust.. even though I know I won't allow someone completely into my life... I have what I need.. maybe not all that I wanted.. but I'm doing well with it.. I always worry about the people I might consider my friends when I see them banging their head against the wall..  but I cannot change much.. and yes.. I'm not ALWAYS right.. there is enough of a disclaimer there that people will seize onto any opportunity to say I am wrong.. and all will be well. I found my focus.. my center of being.. and I am going through each day without any thought on relationships or living the fantasy.. I've never been one to be able to live the fantasy for any length of time.. sure.. I've let myself slip a few times... but after a short while I regain my composure and see things for what they are. It's the people that you let the closest that have a map of your heart and soul.. and know just how to hurt you most.  That's why I'm dead set against anyone become that close again.  I know this blog sounds negative.. but this is just thoughts based on a recent discussion.. I am actually optimistic about my future.. I see much change about to occur in my life.. and I will work on it. If I want to live the fantasy.. I'll jump on World of Warcraft and go questing.. my characters aren't me.. I don't have these powers.. and I can keep things in perspective. When you start involving real people in your fantasies.. you have to know where to draw the line.. because sometimes.. reality... and fantasy are in conflict.