Under my Hat

Any relationship takes a little work from time to time.. I know that... I feel as though I may have stopped being approachable in my marriage a long time ago... without actually knowing I was.  It doesn't change anything... I still like my spouse.... she's a loving and caring person.. just that I don't feel any "spark" no... romantic energy... nor romantic feelings.   I think it may have been both of our faults... but it's something that happened. I think that maybe at times I worry that I am luckier than I have a right to be... as I've always said... for every up.. there is a down... for every action... an equal and opposite reaction.  It's just the fundamental law of the universe. Still... there is someone that I feel understands me.. when something  isn't quite right.. it works itself out almost immediately. When I'm apart from her.. I feel like a part of me is missing. ...it's a bit difficult at the moment.. because I don't like pa...

I think that people are always going to have pieces of themselves... or thoughts... that they don't want to share... and I should learn to be accepting of that.  I just care about people... it's part of who I am.  I tend to get somewhat invasive at times... and when I step outside of myself and look back... it's much easier to see. I am wondering if it's because I feel inadequate? ...or maybe I am a controlling person?  I really don't know exactly what it is... but more and more I find myself wanting to support those I let close to me.. I know I've learned to trust just a few people... more than I ever thought I would. Am I a manipulator?  ...probably.  I don't have a problem sharing things completely... not with those I hold closest... and I suppose I expect a reciprocation... but I am learning that all people aren't that transparent.. and I need to accept people for who they are.. not who I want them to be..  I do appreciate those that support me... ...

I haven't been posting much lately, but not a whole lot has been happening in my life... so I've not really been inspired to post.  At least most of what I post isn't very deep... and I still keep FlirtsnFriends as an outlet. I have let my hair and beard continue to grow... not sure how long I'm going to go with that... but for the moment, it's been too freakin' cold to warrant much in the way of hair removal.. it acts as an insulator. I got my tax money back and am now debt free.. which feels good in and of itself... I also supposedly got a settlement in my evaluation award finally... after 17 months... I'm not all that worried about it... or really anything else.  I'm at a very calm place in my life. I am letting things settle after my grandmother's passing... but not nearly as much as when my mom passed... as I'm not sure that will ever settle. Dad is having a hard go of it... I feel empathy for him.. I know what it's like.. to a certain ...

I'm watching the final episode of last season of The Walking Dead... and it's not quite as stimulating as last time.. but it's still pretty good.  The last week or so has been cold.. and snowy... We had my grandmother's funeral on Wed.  I took Tues and Wed. off so that I could be there for the funeral.. my daughters have been out of school for the whole week due to the weather. We never knew what day they would have school.. and my oldest daughter has to be there for her next school day because she will be signing up for classes for the next semester.  If she isn't there.. she might miss out on her dual credit classes.  I'm glad she is intelligent.. and can do for herself... but I still intend on being there for her when I can. My spouse's cousin gave her a big screen tv and a new table.. I'm all for them having what they can... I also finally got my tax refund back.. a bit more than I thought I'd get... and my performance award from 2 years ago fin...

I had planned on visiting my grandmother today... I had told several people.... I haven't seen her in quite awhile... we were supposed to leave at noon or so.. Just goes to show how we can make all the plans we want... and we never truly have much control... she passed away just a short while ago...  I knew it was coming.. She was 97... and had gotten into a poor shape. She had 10 children and they had been taking turns staying with her for the few years or so... I'm sorry that I never got a chance to say goodbye to her before she left.. Back before I started attending elementary school.. she would take care of me and my oldest younger sister every day while my dad and mom worked... I heard all kinds of stories from her.. and spent many hours on their farm getting into mischief.. She was a bit opinionated... and it wasn't too many years ago that she was so full of life... she reminded me of  "Granny" on the Beverly Hillbillies... but age takes its toll on all of ...