It Wasn't Meant To Be.

I had planned on visiting my grandmother today... I had told several people.... I haven't seen her in quite awhile... we were supposed to leave at noon or so.. Just goes to show how we can make all the plans we want... and we never truly have much control... she passed away just a short while ago...  I knew it was coming.. She was 97... and had gotten into a poor shape. She had 10 children and they had been taking turns staying with her for the few years or so... I'm sorry that I never got a chance to say goodbye to her before she left.. Back before I started attending elementary school.. she would take care of me and my oldest younger sister every day while my dad and mom worked... I heard all kinds of stories from her.. and spent many hours on their farm getting into mischief.. She was a bit opinionated... and it wasn't too many years ago that she was so full of life... she reminded me of  "Granny" on the Beverly Hillbillies... but age takes its toll on all of us... tearing our bodies down. She was to the point that it was a chore for her to just be awake anymore... so I knew it might not be longer... so it didn't come as much of a surprise.... but it still hurts.. I'm sitting here crying as I type this... because I know all these things I should have done... but didn't.. it's too late now.  I don't know any of the plans yet... and as far as I'm concerned... I don't want anything other than a little token to remember her by... I skipped Christmas and Thanksgiving this year... we always met at some location for the holidays... The number of people in the family has grown to over 100.. this is just children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren.. and even great-great grandchildren.. She was born in 1916... so she was 50 years old when I was born.. I'm not even that age yet... still after, she lived a long and fruitful life.. I would like to remember her as full of vigor and energy... maybe that's why I had a hard time visiting her once she became feeble.. I don't know.   I could sit here and beat myself up all morning over what I should have... or could have done.. but what actions I've taken are what I have to live with... just as with everyday life. I know that my dad's health is failing... and I try to take that into account when dealing with him.. that's why I give him so much tolerance for his incessant repeating of all the happenings and instructions he likes to give... I know he put a lot of time into staying with my grandmother... it's one of the things that's kept him busy since the death of my mom... I know he'll just have more time to think about how alone he is now... and I can't really help him.. I'm thinking that he will deteriorate much more quickly now... having less reason to live.  It's sad if you think about it... that some people base their entire existence on someone else... I have a few people in my life that I love with all that I am.. and even still.. I try to keep who I am... based on me... not on anyone else. We never know at what point people will be taken from us.  But life will go on.. it just seems that people become a part of your life over time... and when they go... it rips a part of you away as they go.. I still have much to live for... don't get me wrong... but it's just another wound that will heal and scar over as she is now gone from my life.  I have my memories.. and I'm thankful for them.  I only wish I had this one more day to see her.. as I had planned.. Unfortunately it wasn't meant to be. 

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