I Won't Be A Part Of It.

I've been away for a long time... on some of the sites... and I'm able to get my witty bantering out into the open...  It's nice to be able to put out thoughts, but sometimes... just sometimes.. it's imperative to have just a bit of interaction. I have been pretty much throwing all my thoughts out in public... and that seems to have sufficed. My big mistake was thinking that some people care more than they actually do. I'm not saying no one cares... and I'm not pulling a poor, poor pitiful me sob story.  I've just learned that people in general are cruel.. Many times, they don't mean to be, but it still doesn't change the way things are.

I think I was looking for something substantial... without the everyday commitment. I've tried flirting sites... dating sites... even a hookup site.. I've made a friend or two along the way.. but that's where I have an issue... just like love... people throw the "friendship" word around a lot.  If I've met you once or twice... or even a dozen times... but I don't feel like I can count on you... you're not my friend... we're just friendly.  I, myself have overused this word... There are times where I have called someone a friend... and afterward think.. "Why is this person my friend?"   ...Some people I don't really even like that well.

I've always been one to keep the peace... to try to adjust to the situation providing as little conflict as possible... I will still do that, but I've learned that I can't put myself into a position where I have to deal with more crap.  It's no good in the long run.. I seem to keep losing sight of making myself happy... just so others can be more happy. I'm done with that... I need to be a priority in my life.  Is that selfish?  ...probably... but in the time I've spent away, I've gone through a relationship... been out several times with people I thought were friends... went camping.. a few parties.. just normal-type stuff.. But I've learned there really is no "normal" ...We have this idea of the way things are supposed to be.. and maybe once we are on a certain path... we get too caught up in the ride.. and what is happening.. to actually see where we're headed.

I have lots of stuff rattling around in my brain... things to catch up on... and it may take me a bit of time to sort it all out... but that's why I'm back here... I have found I really can't trust anyone completely... not even myself... I know I've made ample posts about trusting... and I'm not beating that dead horse... but much of what I have learned.. just solidifies all my thoughts on the subject.

I've moved to a new place..   At first, I thought it was too small.. but after being here for awhile... I'm learning how to add things to store more.  It's not always convenient... but it works.   I'm comfortable financially... but I need to make certain I don't let that get away from me. I am happy with who I am.. I may have lowered my standards once or twice... but I've never lost myself completely.

I miss some things from my old life.... my daughters especially... it seems they never have time for me anymore... I go a couple of weeks at a time without hearing from them... I text.. but they are busy, I suppose.  It IS a bit lonely up here... that's why I went out on a few dates from the dating websites... but I found nothing there.. at least nothing that I would consider long-term.  It seems high expectations are the norm... and I've learned that having those high expectations just leads to disappointment.

I had my circumcision... was put under for over an hour... I've noticed my "output" has been dramatically reduced... which is okay... It was somewhat wavering back and forth for the last year or two anyway.  I may never have need of the circumcision... but it's there... sorta like insurance.  I am not in such a good mood at the moment, but I had to get a few things out... I've been keeping everything in... and lately... I've learned there are many more asshats out there than I realized... I don't want to associate myself with them.. so I have closed up a few accounts... and working on closing all my accounts.   Sometimes I just want to live here by myself like the old man in Up... I'm trying not to wallow in despair and loneliness... but I can't think of anyone I would want to see right now. Everyone has their own life... and I don't feel like sharing mine at the moment.  I need to get back where I'm okay with just me... and happy with myself.  I don't like having the feeling that I need more... especially when I don't have a clue with what that "more" is..

I have my standards... I need to reinforce those... and stick with them.  I really don't care much anymore about not being an asshat, myself... if that's what people think of me.. then they have that right... I don't want a fake life... and much of what I've been creating seems VERY fake.. almost no one seems real to me anymore... there's too much lying and deception that goes on... and I won't be a part of it.