I'd Do The Same Thing Again

Well... nothing happened with the new date... I believe in the back of my mind I suspected that... I just didn't want to admit it. I think everyone is looking for perfect.... or nearly perfect... and I personally don't think that such a thing comes pre-made... you have to work at something for it to be viable. Sure... relationships come and go... Most fizzle out because they start burning too hot, too quickly. I'm not above taking the time to make something work... my problem is... I still hold on to my cynicism.. I don't really want to believe in anything or anyone because of my past experiences. No... I'm not blaming anyone in particular except myself. I was the one that wanted to believe in people. I've learned differently... I have a few friends... and they seem to be good friends... but I think it would be a mistake in taking it any farther than that because I don't seem to feel anything on a "love" level ...I've felt something pretty strong before... and I've found out that it isn't love... so why should I bank on something that doesn't feel nearly as intense as that... That's why I am not trying to make anything work.  Not because I don't believe in something... but because I just don't feel it... I've set the bar too high and I am not looking to match those emotions in intensity... because nothing feels like that.  I'm a very passionate person, but I can't mistake passion for love... that's a recipe for disaster.  I am a flirty type of person, but at this point in my life I feel like I can't do that without sending the wrong messages. I keep waffling back and forth over giving up completely by throwing my towel in.... and trying to find something  substantial that I can work on making a part of my life. Unfortunately most of the time I feel like this second choice is a wasted effort. I'm not sure how much of an effort I have left in me.

I've been told at work that they wanted me to go to Glide, Oregon to a center there for some training on a special machine... then they don't want me to go... then they do... then they don't... budgeting issues.  So I think plans to send me there have been scrapped... but then our regional director wants us to start an advanced training program... so I have to go to Devens, MA to look at their program... this is a "necessity" ...but again the budget might not allow it... they're debating it now... I haven't a clue yet about what's going on... I hope they make up their mind soon.

My daughters spent a bit of time on the phone with me lately... it makes me happy to talk with them. I am looking forward to going down to see them in May.  I won't miss my daughter's graduation if there is any way I can be there.  I love them so much that sometimes it hurts to miss them like I do.... but I knew what I was signing up for when I moved. All and all, I'd do the same thing again.  

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