I'm Still Me.
Lots of time free... but I've retreated into my game... World of Warcraft. I don't play with others there.. just by myself... It's something to keep my brain occupied. I am still happier than I've ever been. My prison is of my own choosing... not one I can't escape. I have friends I spend a bit of time with... and I'm even seeing someone. It's not like it is an ideal relationship. It's more of a sharing of affection from time to time.. even if it's not on a physical level... That's what I was missing for so many years. It seems as though I try to compare a relationship to what I've had in the past. I have said many times, that one shouldn't live in the past... and I still believe that with all my heart. ..I don't. I plan on living in the present. Maybe it is arguable that what I'm doing isn't living.. but I think most of us don't live our lives to the fullest extent.
I still have long-time friends who contact me from time-to-time in order to seek advice mostly... and I am glad I can be there for them. I still have my cynical nature... I think that is beyond repair... but I enjoy my life the way it is. I have made all my choices based on myself and not others. I will continue to do so. I have witnessed so many of my friends who fool themselves into believing they do the same.... but most everyone makes choices based on someone else.... someone they feel is going to be a part of their lives. It never works out though.. and then there is a deep-rooted resentment for that other person based on a manipulation for a future together. If two people are meant to be together, then they will find each other based on fate. Yes, I believe in fate. I also think that there are a lot of people who work against fate. We should work to be true to ourselves... this includes not trying to manipulate others to be in our life. There are many times in my past I have tried to make others stay in my life by altering my behavior or by being someone I'm not. I know I have made more than my share of mistakes... and I am glad to have learned... even though I wasn't very enthused with the learning process at the time. I think that's one reason why I'm okay with my current relationship. I don't see her very often... she has 3 jobs. ...and it's not a relationship based on a physical attention... and even though by my nature, I would like to enjoy one of a more physical nature. I still believe it may happen someday, but I continue to live my life day by day. I live my life and frequently call on the Serenity prayer. I know there are many things out of my power to control... and I cannot control them.. that's my dad's job... or at least that's what he believes.
My youngest daughter called me and talked last night for two hours. My oldest only contacts me when she needs something ...financially. I do still pay child support even though I haven't had to do so for a year now. My ex tried sort of screwed me over.. (not in the good way of course) ... even though we agreed that both of us would each take a daughter as a dependent on our income tax... my ex counted both on hers.. leading to a letter to me from the IRS saying my oldest was counted as a dependent on someone else's taxes other than my own. I'm trying to figure out what my options are, but I might end up stopping my oldest daughter's child support payments. if she wants to trade $200 Earned Income Credit for $4200 of child support.. that's her decision. I'm pretty sure it might get a little ugly before it's all over. I'm concerned about how things will go this holiday season... so I won't broach the subject until after Autumn's birthday and I'm getting ready to come back.
I still think about the past... even though I don't live in it. There's not a whole lot of decisions I can make at the moment to improve my life... so I will ride it out the way it is going.. and make any other life-changing decisions as they come up. I'm still me.
I still have long-time friends who contact me from time-to-time in order to seek advice mostly... and I am glad I can be there for them. I still have my cynical nature... I think that is beyond repair... but I enjoy my life the way it is. I have made all my choices based on myself and not others. I will continue to do so. I have witnessed so many of my friends who fool themselves into believing they do the same.... but most everyone makes choices based on someone else.... someone they feel is going to be a part of their lives. It never works out though.. and then there is a deep-rooted resentment for that other person based on a manipulation for a future together. If two people are meant to be together, then they will find each other based on fate. Yes, I believe in fate. I also think that there are a lot of people who work against fate. We should work to be true to ourselves... this includes not trying to manipulate others to be in our life. There are many times in my past I have tried to make others stay in my life by altering my behavior or by being someone I'm not. I know I have made more than my share of mistakes... and I am glad to have learned... even though I wasn't very enthused with the learning process at the time. I think that's one reason why I'm okay with my current relationship. I don't see her very often... she has 3 jobs. ...and it's not a relationship based on a physical attention... and even though by my nature, I would like to enjoy one of a more physical nature. I still believe it may happen someday, but I continue to live my life day by day. I live my life and frequently call on the Serenity prayer. I know there are many things out of my power to control... and I cannot control them.. that's my dad's job... or at least that's what he believes.
My youngest daughter called me and talked last night for two hours. My oldest only contacts me when she needs something ...financially. I do still pay child support even though I haven't had to do so for a year now. My ex tried sort of screwed me over.. (not in the good way of course) ... even though we agreed that both of us would each take a daughter as a dependent on our income tax... my ex counted both on hers.. leading to a letter to me from the IRS saying my oldest was counted as a dependent on someone else's taxes other than my own. I'm trying to figure out what my options are, but I might end up stopping my oldest daughter's child support payments. if she wants to trade $200 Earned Income Credit for $4200 of child support.. that's her decision. I'm pretty sure it might get a little ugly before it's all over. I'm concerned about how things will go this holiday season... so I won't broach the subject until after Autumn's birthday and I'm getting ready to come back.
I still think about the past... even though I don't live in it. There's not a whole lot of decisions I can make at the moment to improve my life... so I will ride it out the way it is going.. and make any other life-changing decisions as they come up. I'm still me.
Comments
Post a Comment