Under my Hat

I now realize that buying a house is a very stressful situation.  I don't want to overextend myself, but I don't want to wind up with a dump either... if I'm going to buy something... I want to be able to be semi-happy there.. I'm okay with not being completely happy because it's been awhile since I've been there... I'm okay... good perhaps... but not great... Things can get better.. or they could get worse... and I'm going to be okay with all of it.... really what choice do I have... I can sit... and mope.. and feel sorry for my poor pitiful ass.... or I can just accept that some things are beyond my control.. and deal with it.  I think we are all spoiled to a certain degree.. I know I am... I like things to go my way... but I've learned how to compromise a bit along the way... and I can do that.. as long as I don't compromise who I am.  ...anyway I'm going to look at a townhome tomorrow... almost 4 times bigger than the teeny apartment I...

It's official.. I'm not dating. I have become somewhat of a pro at getting dumped.  I suppose I bring some of it on myself... I'm still not exactly sure how... this time I was adamant about trying to keep the communication open... I guess I'm just unapproachable for some reason.. I think we all have some things we tend to internalize... I know I do... and they come out here in my blog... but even still, I am much more communicative than I used to be in a relationship. I do feel that a relationship is doomed if we internalize too much.  There are parts of us that we hide from everyone.. even those closest to us... and that's okay.  But if we are involved with someone we have to let them know they are a part of our world... and we have to share things... mutually back and forth.  We are stuck with our relatives... we don't get to choose those, but we make friends and relationships ...and we invite those people into our world... some to a greater degree than oth...

Have you ever noticed when bad things happen, sometimes you feel like the whole world is going in slow motion... just so you can agonize just a bit longer... actually awhile longer.   I think that it's difficult living in limbo knowing the outcome of a situation... but not being able to do anything about it.  I'm okay that a relationship of over a year is ending... but at this point, I'm just hoping it ends soon.  I am not going to antagonize anyone... I just want her to settle things in her world before I let her know that I can no longer be a part of it... or maybe she's like so many others... and doesn't intend on it going on anyway.  I can't figure out much... I won't say it doesn't affect me... It does. I am only trying to focus on what is best for me at the moment. That's what I keep saying I'm going to do... to do what's best for me... but then I find someone that I feel might be significant in my life... and I start putting them firs...

I should be used to it by now... the rejection... the walking away... but I'm not quite there yet... the person I've been seeing... says she needs space to figure things out... where have I heard that one before... but I'm not nearly as hurt as before... I think that part of me knows that people are going to leave.. and I have guarded myself. Yes... it sucks... and not in the good way.  I haven't seen much of my "friend" this year anyway... and anything physical is a faded memory. I hadn't seen her for a bit, so this last weekend I worked overtime on Saturday... she worked a half a day herself.. I thought it would be a nice surprise to show up... and just offer a hug... and then let her be...  I drove to her city and dropped by ...unannounced.. thinking it would be a nice surprise... she said it was sweet of me to do that... but something seemed off... she was tired, so I put it to the back of my mind... and let her get back to sleep... it was about 6 pm....

So... it's been awhile.. Currently we have about 8 inches of snow... here it is the middle of March.. and we get the biggest snowfall of the season. Not much has changed in my life... I kinda think I'm in neutral at the moment. I don't talk to anybody on a regular basis... my dating habits haven't changed.  Part of me isn't sure what is going on... but I've grown accustomed to the way things are.  I'm still house hunting... but I'm thinking maybe I'm too picky. I am almost debt free...except for my vehicle which I still owe for another 3 1/2 years on... I sometimes worry too much about where money is going to come from, but I had a recent discussion with someone about faith... and I do have faith that things will happen as long as we put forth an effort in our lives.  I believe I do put forth quite a bit of effort to make things happen.... even though I consistently get discouraged. Still I trudge forth... just because that seems like the right thi...