Labelling Makes Life Much Easier.
Dad's back! ...and as always I have seriously mixed feelings about that. On the other hand.. I usually just put my life on hold until he goes away. I look at it this way. He put up with a lot of crap from me when I was little and didn't know better... I suppose it's nature's way of evening the scales. Although I feel like after over 52 years of living under dad's thumb it should be evident now that I can actually take care of myself. I'm trying to make my life seem as uneventful as possible while he is here.. so when he goes back... he doesn't try calling me dozens of times a day wondering where I am and what I'm doing.. he does enough already. I know that many would just say... have it out with him and live your life. My sisters both do that... and he takes it upon himself to be more intrusive in their lives than with me. Arguments and verbal fights have no effect. The only way to change things would be to have him physically restrained at some facility. He's not in great physical health anyway.... and I put up with it.. because to me.. it's not worth the hardship of destroying any relationship with him.. He is very verbal about how everyone wouldn't care if he'd just pass on.. He does very well with trying to play the sympathy card.. He's a master guilt expert.. but enough on him..
I think whomever is in charge of the weather here needs to be put on meds.. 65 degrees on Thursday... now it's in the 20's … ice and snow are on the way... maybe.. nothing is certain this time of year.. I'll just be glad to see Spring.
I have tried the dating thing again... and I talk to several people I consider friends.. but most everyone gets put straight into my "friend" zone. It's much easier to communicate with people and be myself when the expectations of something else isn't there.. At this point in my life, I'd rather have friends than lovers anyway. I'm not saying I'd never want to have sex again... I'm just saying the importance isn't anything like what I had thought a few years back. When I was a teenager, it was all about physical activity... then when I got married, I thought that would change... but of course it didn't … because the physical activity was even less.. Then I found a place where people were in the same predicament I was in... a place where even though you were married, you could go and satisfy that desire to flirt and be wanted. I think most people there though get sucked into a mindset that it is.. or can be real... I did.. and I wanted things to be so much better.. the bar was set pretty high.. too high in fact. It's all based on fantasy, no matter what someone might think. At the same time, I realized that I would never be happy in my marriage.. and I didn't like the person I had become.. so I changed my situation. I was a bad person... I lied many times through omission and made excuses for my behavior. It didn't change how things were.. all it did was enforce the negative aspects of my marriage. I felt so much more free after the divorce. ...and for awhile, I felt like I would be able to get what I wanted out of life now... but I think I never really knew what I wanted. I possibly still don't know, but I do know what I don't want. ...and I am not going to settle for my life being below my expectations. I will look to change what I can.. when I can.. and learn to live with those things I can't change.
The only person in my life that causes my discomfort at the moment is my dad (yeah.. I know I said enough about him) ...but I can't ask him to leave my life.. not even for a short time.. because he won't. He's the most generous and most selfish person on the earth... Generous in that he would do anything for anyone if he thought they needed it.. Selfish because they're gonna do what he has in his mind.. and if not.. he's going to do his best to try to make it happen anyway. But such is life.... at least with my dad.
I have always tried to strive for being there when my friends need me.. and I hope to continue to be so... I appreciate the people in my life. There are several people I can talk to... but very few who have earned the degree of trust it takes to become my close circle of friends. It takes awhile to get to that level. I've debated before that you can't be extremely close to someone you know little about.. and it takes time to really know someone.. I am pretty open with who I am.. and what is going on in my life.. but I'm concerned that maybe people sometime misinterpret what is happening.
I have a friend who is moving into my spare bedroom for awhile.. not sure exactly how long just yet, but it will alleviate a financial burden on her and will help me out financially too. The problem is that in today's society, people automatically make assumptions when two people of the opposite sex live under the same roof and aren't related... at least the people in my family does. In this case.. nothing could be farther from the truth.. I have no physical interest in her.. because we never "clicked" in that manner. She was someone I immediately moved to my "friend zone" and that's where she'll stay... just like anyone else in that zone. Yes.. I do compartmentalize on occasion.. it makes life much easier.. and people seem to easily fit in my categories.. I deal well with most people. I am now trying not to jump straight into putting people with labels ... but we all do that to an extent. I'm just a bit more permanent with my labels than most. I can't help it.. labelling makes life much easier.
I think whomever is in charge of the weather here needs to be put on meds.. 65 degrees on Thursday... now it's in the 20's … ice and snow are on the way... maybe.. nothing is certain this time of year.. I'll just be glad to see Spring.
I have tried the dating thing again... and I talk to several people I consider friends.. but most everyone gets put straight into my "friend" zone. It's much easier to communicate with people and be myself when the expectations of something else isn't there.. At this point in my life, I'd rather have friends than lovers anyway. I'm not saying I'd never want to have sex again... I'm just saying the importance isn't anything like what I had thought a few years back. When I was a teenager, it was all about physical activity... then when I got married, I thought that would change... but of course it didn't … because the physical activity was even less.. Then I found a place where people were in the same predicament I was in... a place where even though you were married, you could go and satisfy that desire to flirt and be wanted. I think most people there though get sucked into a mindset that it is.. or can be real... I did.. and I wanted things to be so much better.. the bar was set pretty high.. too high in fact. It's all based on fantasy, no matter what someone might think. At the same time, I realized that I would never be happy in my marriage.. and I didn't like the person I had become.. so I changed my situation. I was a bad person... I lied many times through omission and made excuses for my behavior. It didn't change how things were.. all it did was enforce the negative aspects of my marriage. I felt so much more free after the divorce. ...and for awhile, I felt like I would be able to get what I wanted out of life now... but I think I never really knew what I wanted. I possibly still don't know, but I do know what I don't want. ...and I am not going to settle for my life being below my expectations. I will look to change what I can.. when I can.. and learn to live with those things I can't change.
The only person in my life that causes my discomfort at the moment is my dad (yeah.. I know I said enough about him) ...but I can't ask him to leave my life.. not even for a short time.. because he won't. He's the most generous and most selfish person on the earth... Generous in that he would do anything for anyone if he thought they needed it.. Selfish because they're gonna do what he has in his mind.. and if not.. he's going to do his best to try to make it happen anyway. But such is life.... at least with my dad.
I have always tried to strive for being there when my friends need me.. and I hope to continue to be so... I appreciate the people in my life. There are several people I can talk to... but very few who have earned the degree of trust it takes to become my close circle of friends. It takes awhile to get to that level. I've debated before that you can't be extremely close to someone you know little about.. and it takes time to really know someone.. I am pretty open with who I am.. and what is going on in my life.. but I'm concerned that maybe people sometime misinterpret what is happening.
I have a friend who is moving into my spare bedroom for awhile.. not sure exactly how long just yet, but it will alleviate a financial burden on her and will help me out financially too. The problem is that in today's society, people automatically make assumptions when two people of the opposite sex live under the same roof and aren't related... at least the people in my family does. In this case.. nothing could be farther from the truth.. I have no physical interest in her.. because we never "clicked" in that manner. She was someone I immediately moved to my "friend zone" and that's where she'll stay... just like anyone else in that zone. Yes.. I do compartmentalize on occasion.. it makes life much easier.. and people seem to easily fit in my categories.. I deal well with most people. I am now trying not to jump straight into putting people with labels ... but we all do that to an extent. I'm just a bit more permanent with my labels than most. I can't help it.. labelling makes life much easier.
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