Maybe I'll Get Wiser

It's been one heckuva week... I've had to put on my mask so many times... and I'm not only talking about the one I have to wear for CoVID prevention... The only positive part about my ex getting sick is that I get to talk to my daughters about every day. I didn't want it to go about it that way though. I suppose I get caught up in things that I have no business in... and I'm trying to respect my ex's privacy, so I don't ask many questions about specifics... I just occasionally let them know that I'm here if anyone needs anything. That's all I can do at the moment. My daughters seem to be much more independent than I gave them credit for... even if they are worried about even going out to check their mail. I am concerned for what the future holds for all of us, but I will trudge forward the best I can. That's the mask I've donned.. I'm trying to display a positive outlook on how things can go... but deep inside I'm worried. I refuse to let that worry dictate my life though. I wonder about a lot of things, but I have to learn not to let the unknown control me. This last week I've been able to gain my composure... although for a few days, I wasn't sure I wasn't going to break down... A person really doesn't know how horrible news will affect them until they go through it... I'm glad my sisters are there with my ex and my daughters... and they aren't imposing on them. Being a doctor and a nurse, they were able to provide support when they were called. ...and my ex and the girls actually are really close to them emotionally. I have a big family with lots of support... back in Kentucky. Here... I don't really hear from anyone. I have a few friends, but I feel like there's very little anyone can do. Luckily, God has given me a bit of financial independence, or at least helped me to get to the point where I am now. I have accumulated a few "things" but life isn't about things... those help to make life a bit easier, but they don't bring happiness. I always try to keep in mind the things that really matter... health, friends... I'm not even sure what else matters at the moment. I have said that I try to keep on the good side of karma now, even though that hasn't always been the case. I'm a firm believer in trying to do as much good for people as I can do... and if I ever need something, someone will be there for me. I let my friend move in almost 2 years ago due to financial hardship... at first it was something I almost felt goaded into by her friends... but only briefly... After only a few days, I realize it was a logical choice. We made an agreement that it would be only a maximum amount of 2 years, but no one could foresee the CoVID crisis occuring. I am willing to stretch that awhile, until things settle down. But what if they don't? I'm pretty sure things are not going to go back like they were... neither in my life, nor in society as a whole. I guess that's what life is about though... taking things as they come, and making adjustments to the circumstances. I try to adjust the best I can. It makes it more difficult when the adjustment requires greater sacrifices, but it's so much easier to say you're a good person when you never have to sacrifice anything for someone else. When waters are calm, anything can be said. You never know how true the words are until actions have to be taken. It's the same with relationships. I know that lots of people find it difficult to get through some relationships. I suppose it's what a person is willing to go through in order to salvage what they have. I feel I went through a lot with my ex... but I've learned that even though we don't have a romantic connection anymore, my feelings of friendship still run very deep. I'd do quite a bit to help her, I'm thinking maybe she's seeing a part of that now, but I don't think she really ever broke down her walls to trust anyone. Unfortunately that's how we all are. We spend so much time fortifying our walls and locking ourselves away in our tower so that we aren't hurt... that we actually do hurt ourselves. We lose trust and make it about us... that we are all that matters. When we have kids, we learn that we aren't the important ones. One day, we will be gone, and all that's left is our deeds and what we leave behind. My daughters are an extension of who I am. I hope I am able to impart all that is good about me in them. I want to be there to make sure they get through this difficult time, but I also want them to learn to be able to support themselves though it, because I won't always be here. We spend so much time trying to protect our loved ones, but we never are able to have all the answers... never able to protect them from everything. So we have to learn to help them to stand on their own... I hope my daughters are able to grow out of being so intimidated by life, maybe they have and I haven't noticed it. I don't like to see people worry all the time, just as I don't like to worry. I'm sure there are issues that come up that we should be concerned about, but we have a choice to either take what action we can... or accept it. I don't see any third choice, but I also know there's a lot I don't know. As I get older, maybe I'll get wiser.