Stuck!!
So... I got married 17 years ago.. and then after 3 years my wife became pregnant with our first daughter... it was then that she started sleeping on the couch. I "generate too much heat" ...I might "roll over on the baby" ..whatever the excuse was, she moved out of my bedroom... and my bed. At that point, intimate moments became more and more infrequent. After about 5 more years.. we decided that maybe another daughter would bring us closer together... and give my other daughter a playmate. So that was 8 years ago.. and since that time I've had 3 intimate moments with my spouse.... the last one being over 4 years ago now.
I already know what most of you are going to say... see a counsellor. It's too late for that.. At one point, I would frequently walk up behind my spouse and put my arms around her.. but she always seemed to push them down.. she's a very kind person, but very old fashioned. She is also VERY naive.... think Laura Ingalls on Little House. In any case the passion has completely gone from our marriage. I didn't realize how much until she visited my bedroom one night a year or so ago.. and I just felt ..uncomfortable with her sitting on MY bed... and I told her so... she didn't say a word.. but she left the room. I really don't want to hurt her, and I do still love her.. like a sister.. I already have two sisters.. and I could just as easily be living with one of them. I don't ever plan on being intimate with her again, so it wouldn't make that much of a difference.
I went through a period of my life a few years ago where I would sit and cry myself asleep.. knowing that I didn't have anyone in my life to share intimate moments anymore. ...the strange part is we have grown so far apart, I don't feel comfortable discussing things with her. In front of my daughters, I am the loving Dad.. and they never have questioned the way things are.. because they don't know any different. ...but for now, I stay for them. My spouse has never had to work... and many times she takes advantage of this. She could never provide for my daughters, but she's extremely close to them. If we split and they had a choice of who they wanted to live with, they would definitely choose her. I just find it painful to think about putting them through that choice. Right now.. I play the martyr... suffering each day so that my daughters and spouse don't have to. Sometimes the feeling is overwhelming that have to live this way. I do a great job of hiding my discontent from my family.. but it's becoming increasingly harder. I just don't know how much longer I can keep it up.
What happens if I do leave? They can't live without my support, and I can't afford to keep up two households. My spouse has few working skills to allow her to find a job... and what would she do with the kids? I don't want to put an undue hardship on anyone, but I don't know how much longer I can bear my situation. I always try to let my daughters know that I will always be there if they need me... but if I moved out, even with child support, it would make everything very difficult for everyone involved... so I am STUCK!!
I already know what most of you are going to say... see a counsellor. It's too late for that.. At one point, I would frequently walk up behind my spouse and put my arms around her.. but she always seemed to push them down.. she's a very kind person, but very old fashioned. She is also VERY naive.... think Laura Ingalls on Little House. In any case the passion has completely gone from our marriage. I didn't realize how much until she visited my bedroom one night a year or so ago.. and I just felt ..uncomfortable with her sitting on MY bed... and I told her so... she didn't say a word.. but she left the room. I really don't want to hurt her, and I do still love her.. like a sister.. I already have two sisters.. and I could just as easily be living with one of them. I don't ever plan on being intimate with her again, so it wouldn't make that much of a difference.
I went through a period of my life a few years ago where I would sit and cry myself asleep.. knowing that I didn't have anyone in my life to share intimate moments anymore. ...the strange part is we have grown so far apart, I don't feel comfortable discussing things with her. In front of my daughters, I am the loving Dad.. and they never have questioned the way things are.. because they don't know any different. ...but for now, I stay for them. My spouse has never had to work... and many times she takes advantage of this. She could never provide for my daughters, but she's extremely close to them. If we split and they had a choice of who they wanted to live with, they would definitely choose her. I just find it painful to think about putting them through that choice. Right now.. I play the martyr... suffering each day so that my daughters and spouse don't have to. Sometimes the feeling is overwhelming that have to live this way. I do a great job of hiding my discontent from my family.. but it's becoming increasingly harder. I just don't know how much longer I can keep it up.
What happens if I do leave? They can't live without my support, and I can't afford to keep up two households. My spouse has few working skills to allow her to find a job... and what would she do with the kids? I don't want to put an undue hardship on anyone, but I don't know how much longer I can bear my situation. I always try to let my daughters know that I will always be there if they need me... but if I moved out, even with child support, it would make everything very difficult for everyone involved... so I am STUCK!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5iDPw_qjhtM
ReplyDeleteI tried to post a link.
ReplyDeleteDon't think I can do it this way. Hm.
oh geez. that's a rock and a hard place situation. It would be difficult for your daughters, and of course both of you. One thing that is definitely a factor is your happiness.... I would have left long ago... but that's how I am. Good luck.
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