I Can't Have That.

I think human interaction is the most confusing thing on the planet... I am fairly certain this is because of so many different personalities that goes into it... even between two people.. sometimes you can have a multitude of personalities. I feel like we are all sailing our own ships... and at times... several people are navigating the same currents... those are our friends... occasionally two will hitch up and ride it out awhile... those are relationships.. and just every so often... one person will jump ship and ride on the other person's boat making it a bit of their own... sometimes ships crash... or start sinking... and we make our repairs and keep bailing while we fight to stay afloat....then we head back out in our own direction steering clear of the treacherous waters...  I have been in my own little Dinghy for awhile.. I've made several friends recently...but I've noticed I have a huge wall built up.. I mean ... I'm still friendly... and helpful... the person I aspire to be... but I don't have the internal resources to do much in the way of hitching my ship up to anyone else's .. I try to send strong signals to anyone that I'm not ever going to be involved long term with anyone... and not to expect it from me... but I'm afraid that some do... that's their fault... I am happy being who I am... and relationships just lead to unpleasant rough waters... followed by at best.. some nice memories.. but that's all they are... memories.... I am still trying to live in the moment... to squeeze as much as I can from each day and enjoy life as it comes along... but there is a defense mechanism built up inside of me from experiences that cause me to be a bit of an asshole to push people away when they start trying to get close to me... sometimes I'm not even aware I am doing it at the time...

Dad has spent the last week with me... and I'm emotionally drained as it is... I do love him... and I will miss him when he's gone.. but it gets more and more difficult to put up with his antics.. I give up trying to fight him while he's here... and then I just let him think what he wants when he's gone.  I try not to offer up any information... and occasionally lie to cover up what's going on with me.. the simple things... because I don't want to worry him... and I don't want to blow up at him for his trying to control me.... I do know that about a week at a time is more than enough to make me agitated. He is one of the few people on the planet that can do so... I don't let anyone else close enough to do so... and I like it like that.

Work is going okay... but I've been told about a change in position at another local government agency.. I love what I'm doing... but more money would be beneficial at the moment.... and with me looking for a house... I need what I can get... I've put that in full search mode now... and I've looked at everything I can afford within 30 minutes of work.. which covers a lot of area... still I am not going to settle if I cannot improve my situation. I am looking to try to keep my life in a calm mode.. and maybe get a bit more exercise now that it's warm... I have 6 people who have volunteered to jog/walk  or do other exercises with me.. but as I said earlier.. I'm afraid to encourage any of them by any friendly action... it's okay as long as there isn't much alone time... but a routine could put myself into a scenario where I might actually get close to someone... and I can't have that...

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