My Life Is In a Planning Stage.

I think a lot of my blog posts are selfish... it's about me.. and what I think of human interaction in general... and my experiences... but I don't share a whole lot about what is most important to me... this is after all supposed to be what's going on inside of my head (under my hat).  I think that I became a father and wasn't quite ready to be one.... although I love my daughters with all my heart... and yes... I talk about how they are the world to me... and all kinds of other stuff about them.... I have to admit to myself that I try not to dwell on them... because it makes me sad when I think about them for any length of time.  I made a decision in my life based on what I thought was best.. and I was a bit egocentric in my thinking... I felt that I could be as good a dad from a distance as I was when I was actually there, but that's just one of those things we say to try to justify our actions.  There is no way you can have a long distance relationship that is as strong as one when you are near... I'm not saying we don't have a decent relationships.. I'm just saying that there are times when they may need me in more of a capacity than being able to talk.. and I'm not there to support them in those times.  I know that I've made more than my share of mistakes with them.. and it's difficult to deal with the distance. But I have to live with the choices I've made... and who I am now... I can only do so much for them.. and part of that is to stop pretending like I am such a great father... I'm a person... I do love them... but as parenting skills I realize that I have been lacking. Yeah... I might be beating myself a bit emotionally at the moment, but it's to try to work out these feelings.. My options are not feasible for rectifying the situation with my daughters... and even if I could make changes, there is already irreparable damage that I would have to live with... so yes... I will give them priority in my life... but I can't dwell on my mistakes.

It goes to show that all of our actions have consequences... whether those consequences are good or bad... we still have to live with them... I know I've touched on that before in several posts, so I won't whip a dead horse.. I have all these plans to make better decisions... and then when I get a little time to do so... I end up not getting much accomplished... or at least not as much as I planned...

I just realized I shot the shit out of my new year's resolution about trying to remain positive... I am still positive about how things will turn out... as I never let go of hope... but at this point... I am finding it difficult to really put forth a great deal of effort.  I sometimes just enjoy letting go and drifting for awhile... letting things happen while I recuperate in spirit... I think all of us need to do that from time to time.. It is a wonderful thing to take charge of your life... but it is altogether a different and more difficult thing to struggle day after day.. month after month without allowing ourselves a time to just be... and work on ourselves.  I think I'm at that point in my life where I am willing to let things happen.. to spectate my own life and evaluate what is happening... it's not a negative thing... and no.. I am not "giving up" ... I am choosing to plan my future without trying to set it to a timetable.  At them moment as much as I've lived.. I still feel like my life is in a planning stage.