Under my Hat

So, I am pretty well packed and just about ready to go. I am hoping things go well... but I have to remember that they're my kids... I will love being around them for awhile no matter how things go.  I am dreading staying with my dad... but I'm ready to bite the bullet for a week.  I'm worried he might want to come back with me. I'll deal with that if it happens. I'm still on the sites... I plan on hanging around for a bit... I'm feeling free to say whatever I want to... and I know no one takes me seriously.... It's actually an awesome feeling to have a place where there are no expectations and it doesn't matter if people judge you, because it's not like they are stuck being in your life. I've always taken things too seriously... Sometimes it's just much better to let loose and not worry about what people think.  I still think there are lots of cool people on the site... and we all screw up from time to time... I don't want to hold on ...

I should be a bit excited... I'm going to see my girls this Friday... but there's this sense of dread for the whole trip.. 11 hours in my vehicle.. alone.. which is okay, but it's going to be a constant rush to get there... I asked them if they would like to come back for a week  or two with me... but I don't think they'll ever make that long of a journey, so I'm stuck with just seeing them the 2 times a year when I make the trip down there. I could make it more often, but then it just doesn't seem convenient with work and school.  I'm back on 2 of the sites... I think it doesn't really matter with most whether I'm there or not... which is okay by me. I am fairly certain most figure I'll bail in a short bit again, anyway.  Who knows... I don't bail on people in particular in my life... but the social crowds don't really constitute an individual. I going to limit my involvement, even though it seems I'm there a bit more than I or...

So... I said I wouldn't do it... but then I thought about it... and I did it anyway... just because I decided to.  Haven't you ever wondered why you make such stupid decisions... any decision that involves an absolute is a bad decision. Nothing is really absolute.. except maybe death... and even then there are a number of theories that say it isn't... I need to learn to keep my focus on not making commitments.. even not making commitments about making commitments.. which actually means I really don't know what the hell I'm talking about. It's not the first time though.  I dislike doing something for no reason other than I said I wouldn't... there should be a reason why I said I wouldn't.. and if there is.. and I no longer remember it... well.. it must not have been all that important.. so now we can choose to follow tradition... or to do what seems sensible. On many occasions, sensibility doesn't win out... but it's another one of those things I...

It's Mother's Day again...  I tend to get a bit sad on days that remind me of my mom... I sorta feel like there are so many things I could have done differently that would show her a bit more respect than I have.  But I keep my sanity by realizing that the only thing I can do is try to live my life in a manner that shows she brought me up right.  There are too many people in this world that don't realize if we turn out to be monsters... or do horrific things... that's a partial reflection on our value system as we are growing up.  Sure... our environment has some deal to play in that.. but even the environment we are exposed to... is still a bit of a reflection on how we are raised. I have pretty much kept inside this weekend... watching tv and doing a bit of cooking.. I think I am PMSing... well... not exactly... but I think guys go through an emotional cycle that really has no explanation. I have tried to keep track of when I get moody... and it generally ...

Still house hunting... sorta.. maybe.. I guess.  I find that it's much easier to deal with the fact that I'm not being successful at looking for a house if I just pretend it's a bit of a hobby.  I looked at a few houses and have discovered that I might be a bit too much of a coward to make that kind of commitment... I understand that on my budget, things aren't going to be all perfect, and that I'm not going to be moving into my dreamhome that will give me nothing but warm fuzzy feelings... but I keep hoping for better than I'm finding... and then as soon as I move on... someone else jumps in and gets the place I just looked at... so evidently it wasn't too bad of a place.  I get nervous paying that much money ... I don't want to overextend myself. I have to keep myself in the black on my finances because I don't want to fall short in providing for my daughters... so there.. it all goes back to that.. I don't want to fail in my responsibilities ...

I have all the answers... I know I do... because I know everything... it's just being able to remember it that's the problem... my life is a haphazard mess filled with piles upon piles of cluttered, disorganized heaps of crap.  Most of it can be useful in some form... but I have issues with putting it together in the correct format to use. ...at least I think that's my major problem. Actually I don't know everything, but forget you read that... I'm a very persuasive person in my own right... and can usually use logic and my charm to get people to do things I want them to do... the problem is... I really don't want anyone to do anything.  I've reached a point in my life where I like being the observer of my own life.  I don't take that much of an active role in it anymore... because it requires more effort than I think the rewards will give.  You've heard the old adage.. "My emotional bank is overdrawn..."  ...well it IS actually. I have pu...