I Find Myself Lacking

Still house hunting... sorta.. maybe.. I guess.  I find that it's much easier to deal with the fact that I'm not being successful at looking for a house if I just pretend it's a bit of a hobby.  I looked at a few houses and have discovered that I might be a bit too much of a coward to make that kind of commitment... I understand that on my budget, things aren't going to be all perfect, and that I'm not going to be moving into my dreamhome that will give me nothing but warm fuzzy feelings... but I keep hoping for better than I'm finding... and then as soon as I move on... someone else jumps in and gets the place I just looked at... so evidently it wasn't too bad of a place.  I get nervous paying that much money ... I don't want to overextend myself. I have to keep myself in the black on my finances because I don't want to fall short in providing for my daughters... so there.. it all goes back to that.. I don't want to fail in my responsibilities as a parent... even though I feel much of the time I already have. It's okay though... I have learned to accept what I've done.. or haven't done.. and am moving on. I just make a conscious effort not to falter when it comes to doing things that I am responsible for in everyday life.   I'm currently still supporting 2 households.. and I'm a bit irritated at that.  My ex was supposed to be providing a minimal amount of financial support herself... and because she hasn't... I feel responsible for filling the slack for my daughters... I am going to see them in 2 weeks.. and I hope to spend some time with them then... I don't know how much time they will have, but being out of school... I figure we should be able to do some things together...

I mentioned the other day about being a spectator to my own life... and yes.. that's how I feel.. because there are too many things that sometimes overwhelm me... and if I screw up... it can affect other people besides myself... I don't really know what I'm waiting for... but I'm hoping that something happens soon.  I make what choices I can... but I keep those choices at a minimum at the moment. I honestly don't know if I'm ready for any relationship more than friendship... because I need to fix what's happening in my life so I can actually bring something positive into a relationship... instead of bringing all my problems with me... I thing that's actually what's wrong with most people.. they look at finding support from others.. when they haven't learned to support themselves. When you bring two people together who both have that issue, then you just double the workload of both people... maybe it might be better though, because with the support of another person... each can handle more.  The problem is... I haven't met anyone I trust with my workload... so I try to fix me, myself.  ...and I'm pretty sure I'll continue that way until I meet someone that can inspire a confidence ...not that I'm not confident in myself... but most everyone I know.. or have met.. have a low-key personality that doesn't really give me an air of reliability that I could trust.. I have always tried to be dependable and trustworthy... but when seeking that from others... I find myself lacking.

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