Under my Hat

It's been awhile..... again.. I have been somewhat busy, but I just haven't taken the time to blog. Usually I just sit down and start typing... then things come to me. My ex had her surgery. She had a spleen, some of her colon, and a 9cm tumor taken out. She also had 2 ports put in for chemotherapy. She had to have all her childhood diseases as her immune system is now compromised. I told her after surgery to get a pillow and keep it for support over her incision. ...but like when we were married, she gave no thought that I might actually know what I was talking about. I went through the abdominal surgery twice... in the last 5 years. I would have hoped she at least got a second opinion... nope. She ended up busting her stitches and having to have a nurse come out and fix things. I know sometimes (usually) I come across as a know-it-all... I think it's because I actually have been exposed to a lot of stuff. Evidently, I should just work on my delivery. Still... once I say m...

Got sent home today... didn't really think about it, but yesterday I woke up with a scratchy throat... got a bit better as the day progressed, so I figured it was just a little early morning congestion in my throat... it's definitely the season for it. So today, I woke up... noticed it sore again... and went to work... yesterday was a telework day. Today... it didn't get better... but a little worse as the morning progressed, so being a good employee I did as I was supposed to do and called the nurse, explaining that I had no other symptoms... except maybe a slight cough due to the congestion. Now... I'm home... awaiting my doctor to contact me so that I might get cleared for a CoVID test... it's been almost an hour now... and I am not sure he will get to me today... but I can't go back to work until I have the test done. Things are sooooo much more convoluted due to this virus crap that is going around. I'm 99 percent sure I don't have anything serious....

It's been one heckuva week... I've had to put on my mask so many times... and I'm not only talking about the one I have to wear for CoVID prevention... The only positive part about my ex getting sick is that I get to talk to my daughters about every day. I didn't want it to go about it that way though. I suppose I get caught up in things that I have no business in... and I'm trying to respect my ex's privacy, so I don't ask many questions about specifics... I just occasionally let them know that I'm here if anyone needs anything. That's all I can do at the moment. My daughters seem to be much more independent than I gave them credit for... even if they are worried about even going out to check their mail. I am concerned for what the future holds for all of us, but I will trudge forward the best I can. That's the mask I've donned.. I'm trying to display a positive outlook on how things can go... but deep inside I'm worried. I refuse to...

I got a call at about 2:15 Sunday morning... I had just went to bed about 1 am... so I was groggy and a bit pissed that someone would be calling me in the middle of the night. Then as I answered it and I saw who it was... and panic went through my head. It was my ex. Was it my daughters?? Had something happened? ...The first words out of her mouth were "I'm sorry I had to call but I have to tell you something" My mind started going numb, but she started talking about having pains over the last month or so...and that she had passed out at work. She got the girls food and supplies then drove herself to the hospital in our hometown... about 45 minutes away. She went with the understanding that she might have to stay overnight. Then she was told that one of her kidneys had stopped functioning...and there was a tumor. She sounded so sad as she told me they were sending her to Louisville, KY to the larger hospital about 90 minutes away from where she currently was. She also to...

Another day of retail therapy... I enjoy shopping. But it's also nice to just get out of the house for a bit. I spent some time just driving... looking at the landscape along the way. I think many of us forget to enjoy the journey as we travel... It's the same with life... we keep looking for a destination that may never happen... either with someone... or maybe a long-term goal we've set for ourselves. In either case, we stay so focused on where we are going.. we don't see where we are currently at in our lives. I enjoy the people I have been in contact with... even if that number isn't very many. The people in my life are those that choose to be, and to me, that means more than someone who feels they have to be a part of my life out of obligation. My tendency to listen has brought a few people into my life, and they've become decent friends. That's really all I'm currently looking for... something with no pressure. Friendship seems to be somewhat ebbin...

I didn't realize how boring this time off was going to be... I am now on my 10th day off and I'm looking forward a bit to going back to work. Part of me wants to be completely lazy, and part of me wants to find something productive to do. The problem is... the lazy brain has taken control. I do need to get the oil changed in my car... and I have a few projects to work on ... I think a part of me needs procrastination. Evidently there are a lot of parts of me... and they all want different things. That could be why there is conflict that arises inside of me on occasion. I'm pretty self-aware these days, and I see what's going on inside my head. I don't mind the conflict, as I have always been one for discussion. I haven't really seen a whole lot from many of my friends this season. I have reached out and said hi... and that's about all I got in return. I don't want to impose on anyone... and I'm pretty sure I have more free time currently than anyone ...