I'm A Black And White Kind Of Guy.

I didn't realize how boring this time off was going to be... I am now on my 10th day off and I'm looking forward a bit to going back to work. Part of me wants to be completely lazy, and part of me wants to find something productive to do. The problem is... the lazy brain has taken control. I do need to get the oil changed in my car... and I have a few projects to work on ... I think a part of me needs procrastination. Evidently there are a lot of parts of me... and they all want different things. That could be why there is conflict that arises inside of me on occasion. I'm pretty self-aware these days, and I see what's going on inside my head. I don't mind the conflict, as I have always been one for discussion. I haven't really seen a whole lot from many of my friends this season. I have reached out and said hi... and that's about all I got in return. I don't want to impose on anyone... and I'm pretty sure I have more free time currently than anyone else I know. I would like to have lunch occasionally with the people around me, but with the CoVID and the way things are, a social life just really isn't in my cards at the moment. I have been inside about 95% of the time during the last week. Things don't appear to be getting any better. I tried to call my daughters from Christmas... and their birthdays, but even that seemed to be an intrusion. My oldest was almost unreachable for the last week... I had to pass along a "Happy Birthday" from my youngest.. it didn't seem a very happy one to me... but it's not about what I want. I seem to forget that on occasion. I'm a bit sad that she wasn't available, but I won't ever put myself where I'm not wanted. I can come up with all kinds of excuses as to why she wasn't available... but I may never know the exact reason. I sometimes feel as though I'm getting the blame for some things I've never done... and my daughters seem to be taking after my ex in the fact they are unable to communicate. I've said my peace, and I've told them I'm always here for them if they ever want to reach out, but I can't keep intruding into their lives. I guess maybe I think about my friends the same way... If someone chooses to be a part of my life, they are more than welcome to be in it. How much is up to them. I suppose that's a passive way of looking at it, but I'm alway a bit active once someone opens the door... but the active part of me stops once I have been led to believe I'm being intrusive. There is always different viewpoints of looking at anything, but this is how things appear from my angle. I'm the typical guy though... I try not to overcomplicate things. If someone wants to let me know something, they have to tell me, otherwise... I'm not going to draw too many conclusions. I'm a black and white kind of guy.