Under my Hat

I have a new found strength... I am not sure exactly why.. but I'm understanding...  Life is a certain way.  We all hope we can manipulate it to suit us... make the choices that give us the easiest peace of mind.  Unfortunately we can't always count on ourselves.... we have to trust in others at times. People tend to lose that trust if they aren't careful.  At the moment... I completely trust her.. to make the choices that she needs to make to be happy.  I never want to be the cause of anguish for someone I truly care about. If the future happens... and I'm not in it, then I accept that I wasn't the correct choice for her. Does that mean that I want something different now?.. no.. I know what I have had.. and what I still have. I sometimes think about my role.. in my family.  I've already pulled away from them... in every aspect except physically.  ...and the reason I stay is for my youngest.. she's 8.. and she wouldn't understand.. ju...

I once wondered if I ever fell... emotionally.. would I have support there to help me back up.  ...and I do.. I have been contacted by a few friends.. and they support me completely. I will be the first to admit when I  am WRONG... even though it doesn't happen very often.  I am still somewhat numb.... but I'm not hurting now.  ...because I know what I'm doing... I'm doing for a reason.  I might not be able to completely understand the reason, but I trust her.. and know that it's what she needs now.  I might be hiding from the real world.. by playing WOW... but for the most part... my real world is in limbo.  I have someone that helps to make me a better person.. that brings out the best in me... and at the moment, I have lost a part of myself.  I look back at all the things I've said.. both here.. and in person, and realize that I have pretty much been completely honest. ...and I will continue to be. I am surprised at myself actually....

I've decided that I am no longer expanding my horizons online... I have no reason to frequent sites searching for friends... because I will be happy with the friends I have currently. I trust them.. I don't need anything more than what I have.  I will just wait for it to return to me.... as long as it takes.  My friends will never do anything to support me in that.. they know that if they don't support me in a positive manner.. then I can no longer call them my friends. I have a "friend zone" ...once you're in that zone.. you are locked in there.  If you try to get out.. and make it more than friends... then I can't associate with you anymore. My respect for the one I truly love won't let me.  I care deeply for someone who isn't my spouse... I think she has difficulty remembering what we have.. but I don't... If you love someone.. it won't turn to jealousy.. or anger.. or even hate... I can never do anything.. but love her.. no matt...

I spent a bit of time this morning chatting with a friend.. and I think things are going to be alright... I think somewhere I got lost along the way.. but I know who we are and what I have.. and things will be "normal" once again.

I've been thinking a lot the last week or so... and have several things on my mind that I am just starting to work through. If a person tells you they need to be alone.. and then seeks out other people to interact with.. it's not that they need to be alone.. it's just they need to be away from you... When someone says they're just tired... and then make it a point to push themselves by staying up most of the night..  and refusing to rest.. it's just that they're tired of you. In times that a person feels like they don't have anything to give.. and you aren't asking anything from them... they just don't want to be around you. If someone feels like you can't help them... then you are part of the problem.... I think we all have times where we need some time alone... and I do completely understand that... but when it comes down to feeling inadequate that's horseshit... I suppose I have a tendency to smother some people, but its to try t...

Been having just a bit of trouble sleeping lately, but I finally grabbed a couple of hours... I was in the middle of a large city.. and it had been evacuated because of the coming hurricane.. I didn't remember how I got there... but there was no one else there... and when I tried to get into any building.. they were all locked... I kept trying to figure out where to go... to escape the hurricane.. but no one would let me in... I found one door unlocked just as the hurricane was about to hit... and as I went in.. it locked behind me... Once I was inside... everything was calm.. and bright... and there were lots of people... I went up to someone and said something.. but they looked right past me... wouldn't answer... this bothered me...  but when I tried to tell someone else.. they did the same thing.. no one would acknowledge I existed... I yelled at someone... and then all of a sudden the hurricane started shaking the building.. and a large door opened up in the back telling ev...

It's amazing how a short conversation can move the weight of the world off your shoulders.  I've come to the conclusion that sometimes I make things out to be worse than they are because I still can't see myself in a positive light.  I know I have problems with self-esteem, but I'm working on that.  There are so many times when I need to just shut up and let things run their natural course.  In the matter of just a few minutes, I was able to sort out several things in my head.. and realize that any problems at the current time are not mine.  I have difficulty with that sometimes because I am always wanting to help those I care about.  Even now.. I would love nothing more than to be able to help someone work through issues... but I realize that I'm part of the problem.  Even by requiring nothing but someone's presence.. I am pressuring.  I don't want to do that.. I never want to be even part of the issue.  I do know that I am clear on my ...

This has been the longest week I think I've ever had.  The person in charge of the academic olympics where I just spent a week.. is retiring in Dec. ....after 22 years of putting this event on.  Right now it's uncertain if anyone else will pick it up, as it hasn't been very popular with the rest of administration. Soooo... this may have been our last one.  Sure... it's a humongous hassel... but I do it for the students... and if we were to win.. like we did in 2007.. it would give "brownie points" to our center and possibly sway the decision if they were to decide it was one of the ones being cut.  Right now... we don't know where the cuts will be, but they keep taking away money for this and that... it is just a matter of time before they start closing some centers altogether..  In a sense... I worry that if I lose my job, I won't be able to provide for my daughters... in another ...that without a job I would be forced to move back in with my dad.. ...

I did just come back from the most tiring trip I've ever taken... this trip has taken more out of me than anything I've done in years... I was gonna post more about it... but.. I got nothin'  (maybe later)

Every once in awhile... we get requests from friends that takes every bit of strength we can muster.  But if we truly care for these friends.. we will honor them by helping them out... even if we can't see how it would help.  It will be a long week for me... even longer than it has been.  I can't say who.. or what it is.. out of respect, but I need to vent... and this is the only avenue I have left at the moment. I know that things will be ok.  They always are... it's just a difficult time.  Strange that I come here.. to vent to strangers that might happen across my page.. but truth be told.. by the tracker at the bottom of the page.. there's really no one here either... I found that by myself.. I appear to be nothing... I only hope that my motivation soon returns... in any case.. I will try my best to follow through with my promise... no matter how hard that might be. If anyone happens to come across this... I need your prayers.. because right now.. sitting in ...

So ..one of the nice things about going on one of these trips, is that the government treats the students well... during these competitions anyway.. and in turn we get a few perks.   We started out Monday.. eating breakfast at McDonalds..  not that great.. but we were in a hurry... and had to eat on the road.  ...so we ate a late lunch.. at The Olive Garden in Sevierville, TN... just up from the Smokey Mountains.  We ate LOTS of good food... then we had pizza Monday night served at the "meet and greet" for the teams...  Tuesday morning we headed out to Bob Evans... for a late breakfast.. and had a few snacks to tide us over for the banquet.  Wednesday.. we all slept late.. so we had all you can eat pizza and spent 5 hours at "The Fun Expedition"  ...unlimited games...  which brings us to now.. later tonight we are going to Outback Steakhouse... in the morning it is Cracker Barrel for breakfast... Five Guys burgers and fries for lunch (wh...

I know I haven't been blogging lately.. but a lot of things have been happening... for the most part, I've had to plan an Academic Olympic team.. getting suits.. arranging finances..just getting the team ready for district competition.. that was yesterday and we placed 3rd.  At the moment, I am in a hotel room... waiting for them all to get up... doing my duty... what I'm supposed to do.. I'm the coach.. and chaperone... I'm an instructor.. I'm a husband.. I'm a dad.. I'm a son.. and I'm trying to do what I'm supposed to do for all this.. I just haven't figured out what that is. I have been looking at my life for the past 15 years.. shortly after I got married... at one time, I was HUGE into ball cards.. football and basketball.. and I chatted online. This was after I got married and thought I was going to be spending my life with someone who wanted to do the same things as me.... so... I screwed up.. I spent most of my spare time... hangin...

I woke up this morning in a very depressed mood.. but made a quick phone call and was ok... I sometimes have a problem with self-esteem.  I'm sure everyone does.  I try to do the best I can, but I can't help but feel that maybe I am just not enough. Sure... I can do stuff for people, but does that just make them feel indebted to me?  ...why am I so insecure?   I had a horrible dream that I was alone.. because I just wasn't enough. Enough what?  ...I don't know. I have this stupid notion that in a relationship, it's give and take... and natural balance.   If I feel that someone needs more than I am giving, then perhaps I need to give more.  ...but if I am giving all I can, and can't give more, then I'm not enough. I just know that people have always left me...  my girlfriend in college left me... because evidently I didn't give enough.  ...my spouse has left me emotionally... maybe I wasn't giving enough for her either.  I don't...

I have decided that I should buy stock in the largest paper companies.. My daughters started back to school today.. so I am sitting here on the computer tonight.. chatting with a few people I know.. and my spouse comes in... her arms loaded down with two folders spilling over with papers.. and I'm thinking... she's picked up all the work they did last year and is going to show me some of it..  she "plops" it on the bed... and says.. this has to be done tomorrow... My first thought is to go hire a secretary...  I mean come on.. this is the digital age.. the age of the computers... this mountain of paperwork heaping on my bed weighs more than a computer...  I keep staring at it...  ...tomorrow??  ...done by tomorrow?... are they nuts?? so.. I pull myself away from my conversation and decide that the next few hours will be devoted to this. ...page after page... I lumber through ... looking up phone numbers.. of emergency contacts.. doctors.. cell phone nu...