Insecurities

I woke up this morning in a very depressed mood.. but made a quick phone call and was ok... I sometimes have a problem with self-esteem.  I'm sure everyone does.  I try to do the best I can, but I can't help but feel that maybe I am just not enough. Sure... I can do stuff for people, but does that just make them feel indebted to me?  ...why am I so insecure?   I had a horrible dream that I was alone.. because I just wasn't enough. Enough what?  ...I don't know. I have this stupid notion that in a relationship, it's give and take... and natural balance.   If I feel that someone needs more than I am giving, then perhaps I need to give more.  ...but if I am giving all I can, and can't give more, then I'm not enough. I just know that people have always left me...  my girlfriend in college left me... because evidently I didn't give enough.  ...my spouse has left me emotionally... maybe I wasn't giving enough for her either.  I don't know of any other explanation.  Maybe even giving everything I have to give... I just fall short.  I can make people happy for awhile.  I am always thinking how wonderful I have it. ...and then WHAM.. things change.  If it were just once... then maybe it's then... but lately I find myself in a situation where I can't make things better... and I do all that I can. It seems that I expect everyone to be like me.. and realize how wonderful things are.. and when they don't.. then maybe they aren't... for them. That's when my insecurities run rampant. I am only me. ...that's all I can be.  If it's not good enough, then I can't help that.  I just get in a "funk" every once in awhile knowing that it's completely unfounded.  I just have to work through it.  I remember several months ago, someone feeling that maybe they weren't good enough for me.. so I'm trying to look at this logically.... that person's feelings were based on past experiences.  My feelings about this are based on current actions.  Is it wrong of me to expect someone to be happy just because I'm in their life for as long as they want me?   I suppose it is a bit ...conceited... I mean.. I'm not THAT good.  But I've learned to deal with things as they come.  That's how I will continue to live my life. I am feeling as strongly today as I ever have... those feelings will NEVER weaken.  I just have to realize that sometimes life occurances sometimes outweigh anything positive I can do. ...it's not that I'm not good enough.  It's just a fact of life that bad things happen to people... and there are things I can't be an offset for.  I am very thankful for what I have.... and it's more than I  have ever hoped.

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