Time
I know I haven't been blogging lately.. but a lot of things have been happening... for the most part, I've had to plan an Academic Olympic team.. getting suits.. arranging finances..just getting the team ready for district competition.. that was yesterday and we placed 3rd. At the moment, I am in a hotel room... waiting for them all to get up... doing my duty... what I'm supposed to do.. I'm the coach.. and chaperone... I'm an instructor.. I'm a husband.. I'm a dad.. I'm a son.. and I'm trying to do what I'm supposed to do for all this.. I just haven't figured out what that is.
I have been looking at my life for the past 15 years.. shortly after I got married... at one time, I was HUGE into ball cards.. football and basketball.. and I chatted online. This was after I got married and thought I was going to be spending my life with someone who wanted to do the same things as me.... so... I screwed up.. I spent most of my spare time... hanging out with my cousin... hanging out online.. and working out my collection... Then my daughter was born.. about the same time my cousin had his daughter... That was my last vacation with my spouse.. 1997. I had people I could do things with. .share nice times.. I suppose I thought that maybe a daughter would bring me and my spouse together.. give us something to do together... but then.. it seemed I had to do more overtime to pay for stuff.. and when I was home.. she just bonded close to my daughter.. and pulled away more from me..
I'm glad I had my daughter... I wanted to spend more time with her.. so.. I think maybe that was the logic behind having another child. that way we could each spend time with them... uh... no... she bonded with my other daughter too.. and they became their own little group.. I had to work.. so somehow I lost touch. I am always there when they need me, but I've had to develop my own interests.. .to do .. alone.. about 5 years ago, I started online gaming.. I was trying to find something I could do on my own.. since I didn't seem to have anyone to do anything with. I would spend 4 - 6 hours EVERY weekday.. and 12 - 16 hours each Sat and Sun. My life became obsessed with World of Warcraft. I even bought another account.. so I could level my characters.. and then.. my daughter expresssed an interest in the game.. so I bought her an account.. so I was spending 45 dollars a month for all this. I did this for 3 years.. and made a few friends online.. I actually thought these people were good friends.. but then there were some issues.. and splitting of groups.. and it all sorta fell apart. I think after that.. I realized that I didn't really have any close friends.. online.. or in real life. I then decided that I would look to fix that.. to find someone who was going through all the crap I was... that I could relate with.. that understood me.. I went to various "online sites" ...and finally found one that seemed to be filled with people under similar circumstances. I made some very close friends... or what I thought were.. but it always seemed like it just wasn't "right" ...in the last year.. things have changed tremendously... I have found someone that is everything I've ever looked for. Yes.. I know I'm married... my spouse and my daughters... I love them.. they are a part of my life.. and I feel a responsibility to them. But.. I have realized that my situation is not one I can live with for years... I have almost no intimacy in my home.. not only physical.. but emotional.. I have to change that... what will happen.. what time frame.. I have no idea.. I refuse to push anything anymore.. that's when people make mistakes.. that's when I have made all mine. All I know is that I will continue to live how I am... for as long as I can... but that time is getting shorter.. and shorter. We'll see.. I guess it's all about time.
I have been looking at my life for the past 15 years.. shortly after I got married... at one time, I was HUGE into ball cards.. football and basketball.. and I chatted online. This was after I got married and thought I was going to be spending my life with someone who wanted to do the same things as me.... so... I screwed up.. I spent most of my spare time... hanging out with my cousin... hanging out online.. and working out my collection... Then my daughter was born.. about the same time my cousin had his daughter... That was my last vacation with my spouse.. 1997. I had people I could do things with. .share nice times.. I suppose I thought that maybe a daughter would bring me and my spouse together.. give us something to do together... but then.. it seemed I had to do more overtime to pay for stuff.. and when I was home.. she just bonded close to my daughter.. and pulled away more from me..
I'm glad I had my daughter... I wanted to spend more time with her.. so.. I think maybe that was the logic behind having another child. that way we could each spend time with them... uh... no... she bonded with my other daughter too.. and they became their own little group.. I had to work.. so somehow I lost touch. I am always there when they need me, but I've had to develop my own interests.. .to do .. alone.. about 5 years ago, I started online gaming.. I was trying to find something I could do on my own.. since I didn't seem to have anyone to do anything with. I would spend 4 - 6 hours EVERY weekday.. and 12 - 16 hours each Sat and Sun. My life became obsessed with World of Warcraft. I even bought another account.. so I could level my characters.. and then.. my daughter expresssed an interest in the game.. so I bought her an account.. so I was spending 45 dollars a month for all this. I did this for 3 years.. and made a few friends online.. I actually thought these people were good friends.. but then there were some issues.. and splitting of groups.. and it all sorta fell apart. I think after that.. I realized that I didn't really have any close friends.. online.. or in real life. I then decided that I would look to fix that.. to find someone who was going through all the crap I was... that I could relate with.. that understood me.. I went to various "online sites" ...and finally found one that seemed to be filled with people under similar circumstances. I made some very close friends... or what I thought were.. but it always seemed like it just wasn't "right" ...in the last year.. things have changed tremendously... I have found someone that is everything I've ever looked for. Yes.. I know I'm married... my spouse and my daughters... I love them.. they are a part of my life.. and I feel a responsibility to them. But.. I have realized that my situation is not one I can live with for years... I have almost no intimacy in my home.. not only physical.. but emotional.. I have to change that... what will happen.. what time frame.. I have no idea.. I refuse to push anything anymore.. that's when people make mistakes.. that's when I have made all mine. All I know is that I will continue to live how I am... for as long as I can... but that time is getting shorter.. and shorter. We'll see.. I guess it's all about time.
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