Slow motion...
This has been the longest week I think I've ever had. The person in charge of the academic olympics where I just spent a week.. is retiring in Dec. ....after 22 years of putting this event on. Right now it's uncertain if anyone else will pick it up, as it hasn't been very popular with the rest of administration. Soooo... this may have been our last one. Sure... it's a humongous hassel... but I do it for the students... and if we were to win.. like we did in 2007.. it would give "brownie points" to our center and possibly sway the decision if they were to decide it was one of the ones being cut.
Right now... we don't know where the cuts will be, but they keep taking away money for this and that... it is just a matter of time before they start closing some centers altogether.. In a sense... I worry that if I lose my job, I won't be able to provide for my daughters... in another ...that without a job I would be forced to move back in with my dad.. ummmm NO.. I'll let them move back in if they have to.. but I'll be out doing whatever I need to just to get by each day. I am not going to think about that at the moment.. as I told someone not too long ago.. there's no use in worrying about stuff that MIGHT happen... if you do, you'll spend all your life worrying.
I sit here.. in my room and wait for the rest of the people in the house to wake up.. I would say family.. but we aren't like any family I know of.. we've never eaten together.. except the few times we can agree on where to eat out. My daughters tell me they love me.. and it makes my heart sad. They will say that once or twice a night... and I tell them I love them... and I do... I would do whatever it takes for them.. I can't say that about many people... I would do a lot for my mom and dad.. my sisters... even my spouse... but ...whatever it takes?? probably not... There's only one other person I know of that I would do whatever it takes... I'm doing that now... as I sit here.. doing nothing... because that's what I'm supposed to do. I'm not even certain that is what I'm supposed to do.. I don't know what's being asked of me. ...but I will interpret to the best of my ability... and do whatever is necessary.
I used to be able to just talk about my day.. and it helped a lot.. nothing important... just rambling a bit.. I think that's what allows me to vent... so now I have my blog... and I can vent here... I need this each day... otherwise so much gets bottled up inside of me and I don't have a place to put it all. Even the silly stuff... getting it out makes more room for the more intimate stuff that I have to keep in at the moment. I put a lot of my feelings on here.. but there are still things that I just can't bring myself to write about... things that I can only share with someone I completely trust... I have a few people I trust to varying degrees, but only one person I completely trust. Maybe I just need to start a private journal.. to get it all down there.
Normally I would be making a call right now... what is normal.. I think it's something we get used to.. something that is comfortable in our lives... something we've learned to define who we are or how things should go... I suppose that's allowed to change, it just takes some difficulty getting used to it. I've already taken my bath... over an hour ago... I'm completely dressed.. all I need to do is slide into some shoes... I think I'll just kiss my girls... as they have just woken up.. and head to work. Strange.. if I want to work early now, I have to fill out all kinds of paperwork requesting the time.. better just to arrive.. and not get paid for it.. at least it gives me a place to get away... I've spent the whole week away from home.. and still all I want to do is "get away" ...it's just not where I want to be.. who I want to be with. Here.. I am just some guy that brings in money... to pay for stuff.. just like I was on the trip... I was the guy who took care of all the details.. paid for stuff.. There's a lot of similarities... so.. when will it be my turn.. to at least SHARE in the responsibilities.. I'm getting old quickly... my body feels like a punching bag this week.. and my mind is as much frazzled... I will admit.. it does help to have an avenue for getting it out. I didn't realize how much my daily conversations kept me sane until now... I cry a lot lately.. why... I don't know.. bottling everything in perhaps.. but getting it out has made me feel at least some better... The whole week just seems soooo long.. it's as though everything is happening in slow motion...
Right now... we don't know where the cuts will be, but they keep taking away money for this and that... it is just a matter of time before they start closing some centers altogether.. In a sense... I worry that if I lose my job, I won't be able to provide for my daughters... in another ...that without a job I would be forced to move back in with my dad.. ummmm NO.. I'll let them move back in if they have to.. but I'll be out doing whatever I need to just to get by each day. I am not going to think about that at the moment.. as I told someone not too long ago.. there's no use in worrying about stuff that MIGHT happen... if you do, you'll spend all your life worrying.
I sit here.. in my room and wait for the rest of the people in the house to wake up.. I would say family.. but we aren't like any family I know of.. we've never eaten together.. except the few times we can agree on where to eat out. My daughters tell me they love me.. and it makes my heart sad. They will say that once or twice a night... and I tell them I love them... and I do... I would do whatever it takes for them.. I can't say that about many people... I would do a lot for my mom and dad.. my sisters... even my spouse... but ...whatever it takes?? probably not... There's only one other person I know of that I would do whatever it takes... I'm doing that now... as I sit here.. doing nothing... because that's what I'm supposed to do. I'm not even certain that is what I'm supposed to do.. I don't know what's being asked of me. ...but I will interpret to the best of my ability... and do whatever is necessary.
I used to be able to just talk about my day.. and it helped a lot.. nothing important... just rambling a bit.. I think that's what allows me to vent... so now I have my blog... and I can vent here... I need this each day... otherwise so much gets bottled up inside of me and I don't have a place to put it all. Even the silly stuff... getting it out makes more room for the more intimate stuff that I have to keep in at the moment. I put a lot of my feelings on here.. but there are still things that I just can't bring myself to write about... things that I can only share with someone I completely trust... I have a few people I trust to varying degrees, but only one person I completely trust. Maybe I just need to start a private journal.. to get it all down there.
Normally I would be making a call right now... what is normal.. I think it's something we get used to.. something that is comfortable in our lives... something we've learned to define who we are or how things should go... I suppose that's allowed to change, it just takes some difficulty getting used to it. I've already taken my bath... over an hour ago... I'm completely dressed.. all I need to do is slide into some shoes... I think I'll just kiss my girls... as they have just woken up.. and head to work. Strange.. if I want to work early now, I have to fill out all kinds of paperwork requesting the time.. better just to arrive.. and not get paid for it.. at least it gives me a place to get away... I've spent the whole week away from home.. and still all I want to do is "get away" ...it's just not where I want to be.. who I want to be with. Here.. I am just some guy that brings in money... to pay for stuff.. just like I was on the trip... I was the guy who took care of all the details.. paid for stuff.. There's a lot of similarities... so.. when will it be my turn.. to at least SHARE in the responsibilities.. I'm getting old quickly... my body feels like a punching bag this week.. and my mind is as much frazzled... I will admit.. it does help to have an avenue for getting it out. I didn't realize how much my daily conversations kept me sane until now... I cry a lot lately.. why... I don't know.. bottling everything in perhaps.. but getting it out has made me feel at least some better... The whole week just seems soooo long.. it's as though everything is happening in slow motion...
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