I understand.
I have a new found strength... I am not sure exactly why.. but I'm understanding... Life is a certain way. We all hope we can manipulate it to suit us... make the choices that give us the easiest peace of mind. Unfortunately we can't always count on ourselves.... we have to trust in others at times. People tend to lose that trust if they aren't careful. At the moment... I completely trust her.. to make the choices that she needs to make to be happy. I never want to be the cause of anguish for someone I truly care about. If the future happens... and I'm not in it, then I accept that I wasn't the correct choice for her. Does that mean that I want something different now?.. no.. I know what I have had.. and what I still have.
I sometimes think about my role.. in my family. I've already pulled away from them... in every aspect except physically. ...and the reason I stay is for my youngest.. she's 8.. and she wouldn't understand.. just yet. I think my 13 yr. old ...might. Eventually I will leave.. I don't know when.. and that has nothing to do with anyone else. I know who I am... and I know that I am not happy here. I will continue to try to be supportive... but at the moment, I am living just as a filler... someone to give them a sense of security. I won't abandon my responsibilities to them.. but sometimes I don't think they know how hard it is on me to stay in a place where I'm ...that guy. My spouse knows I'm not happy... she commented on it yesterday. She knows that I hate living out in the middle of nowhere. I am not sure what else she knows.. but part of the problem is she won't communicate with me.. and I don't with her. We are becoming more and more like strangers. I do what I have to do each day. I know that this existence won't last.. how long? ... who knows? ...I've learned a long time ago.. don't push the future... you wind up with all kinds of crap if you make the wrong choices. When I finally leave physically.. it won't be because I have someone there expecting it.. just as I wouldn't want anyone to leave their marriage for me. Simply put ...I know that I will never be truly happy in my marriage. That's just the way it is. However long it takes to fix the situation here... is not known to me yet. Do I feel guilty... sometimes. But I have to remember that a marriage is more than just me.. it's both of us. ...and I know that she pulled out of it a long time ago.. emotionally. I understand that it might not have been something she was aware of, but too much has passed between us to ever try to salvage it. I have no desire to salvage what's not there. She's made too many choices that have pushed us further and further apart. I think that most couples are like that... They lose the communication... then the trust goes... once the trust is gone.. it's almost impossible to get it back. I trust a few people to various degrees... There's still only one person I trust completely and absolutely. ...and that's because I understand
I sometimes think about my role.. in my family. I've already pulled away from them... in every aspect except physically. ...and the reason I stay is for my youngest.. she's 8.. and she wouldn't understand.. just yet. I think my 13 yr. old ...might. Eventually I will leave.. I don't know when.. and that has nothing to do with anyone else. I know who I am... and I know that I am not happy here. I will continue to try to be supportive... but at the moment, I am living just as a filler... someone to give them a sense of security. I won't abandon my responsibilities to them.. but sometimes I don't think they know how hard it is on me to stay in a place where I'm ...that guy. My spouse knows I'm not happy... she commented on it yesterday. She knows that I hate living out in the middle of nowhere. I am not sure what else she knows.. but part of the problem is she won't communicate with me.. and I don't with her. We are becoming more and more like strangers. I do what I have to do each day. I know that this existence won't last.. how long? ... who knows? ...I've learned a long time ago.. don't push the future... you wind up with all kinds of crap if you make the wrong choices. When I finally leave physically.. it won't be because I have someone there expecting it.. just as I wouldn't want anyone to leave their marriage for me. Simply put ...I know that I will never be truly happy in my marriage. That's just the way it is. However long it takes to fix the situation here... is not known to me yet. Do I feel guilty... sometimes. But I have to remember that a marriage is more than just me.. it's both of us. ...and I know that she pulled out of it a long time ago.. emotionally. I understand that it might not have been something she was aware of, but too much has passed between us to ever try to salvage it. I have no desire to salvage what's not there. She's made too many choices that have pushed us further and further apart. I think that most couples are like that... They lose the communication... then the trust goes... once the trust is gone.. it's almost impossible to get it back. I trust a few people to various degrees... There's still only one person I trust completely and absolutely. ...and that's because I understand
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