I do have friends..

I once wondered if I ever fell... emotionally.. would I have support there to help me back up.  ...and I do.. I have been contacted by a few friends.. and they support me completely. I will be the first to admit when I  am WRONG... even though it doesn't happen very often.  I am still somewhat numb.... but I'm not hurting now.  ...because I know what I'm doing... I'm doing for a reason.  I might not be able to completely understand the reason, but I trust her.. and know that it's what she needs now.  I might be hiding from the real world.. by playing WOW... but for the most part... my real world is in limbo.  I have someone that helps to make me a better person.. that brings out the best in me... and at the moment, I have lost a part of myself.  I look back at all the things I've said.. both here.. and in person, and realize that I have pretty much been completely honest. ...and I will continue to be.
I am surprised at myself actually.  I happen to be a somewhat sexual person... and I can't even imagine myself with someone else.  ...I guess I knew me all along... the only way I can be sexual.. with someone.. is to have the strong bond.  I tried to have that bond with my spouse.. years ago... but it has deteriorated beyond repair. ...she gave up.. and it took 14 years of trying ... before I finally gave up to.   I never tried to seek out anything in all that time.. but was able to live in the torment...  I have a stronger  bond now with someone than I ever had with my wife... ...so I know it will take MORE than 14 years if she ever chooses to "give up" our relationship.  I won't seek anything else out... well.. maybe after 20 - 30 years... of nothing. But I don't see "nothing" happening .... I see many possibilities... I don't know what... it doesn't matter... I will support her however I can... and if she will react and respond to me in the next 20 - 30 years.. I am all set. 

I have almost never been an angry person... those that know me... know that.  I won't lose control. I think that's why I never take drugs... or imbibe in too much alcohol.  Those things will cause a person to not be able to control themselves.. to become something they are not. I feel saddened that is the case with a person I happen to know.. and he is going through a hard time... partially because of his drinking.  I don't really know if he sees it or not.  I haven't talked to him about it... yet.   But.. I firmly believe that he tries to escape the real world.. and his problems by drinking.. much the same way I do with my online gaming.  The difference is that my online gaming doesn't make me lose control.. but allows me to channel it in a different direction.  I will continue gaming as long as necessary... I took out a one month subscription to WOW... if it takes longer than that to regain what I know is there.. then I'll take another month.. and so on... It doesn't matter how long it takes... I know who I am.. and I won't change inside... I can only change my actions.. IF I choose to.. I'm in control of myself... and it's me that knows I will do whatever it takes .. to be a supportive friend first of all... and if she wants what I know we have... I will be here.... waiting.  

Comments

  1. ScooberTinaAugust 30, 2011 at 9:08 PM

    You are a much stronger person than I am. i swore to wait for him and I am not doing it, I am moving on.

    Keep holding on, for I think you do have something.

    ReplyDelete

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