Under my Hat

Another Saturday night... I've been sitting here in my chair playing online gaming for the past 7 hours.. it's been a little stormy out... but I probably wouldn't be out in it anyway.  It's not very fun to go out and just drive... by yourself... I will admit that when I first came here... it was interesting to see all the new sights. I may have overdone it a bit... as the only places I'm not familiar with are a bit of a daytrip... and right now I'm saving money for a house... so I am trying not to spend too much.  Things are still the same... which isn't a bad thing... at least I know where I stand with people... and that's okay... I tend to overthink things quite a bit of the time... I should try to stop doing that. I should clean a little... but I will need to have something to do tomorrow... and that might give me a change of pace before I go completely stir crazy. I have found a few places I like... I'm now looking in areas that wouldn't be ...

Things are looking better... and worse... and better... Financially, things are right on track ...and it looks like I'll be in a good position to buy a house very soon.  As far as socially... my life is a void of nothingness at the moment. It's my own fault... but I can deal with it. I wonder why I seem so... bi-polar at times... I can see it in myself.  I think it's because of a backbuild of semen... I seem to be quite a bit more mellow after I masturbate... maybe I should start every day with a session.  I don't have to worry about it affecting my sex life... because that is non-existent as well. I have always thought I'd end up differently than I have.  But I think that everyone has a different idea of where their life is heading.  Our paths collide with others... and then people move on their separate ways.  I use to think that people were more permanent, but that's not my mode of thought anymore... at least not in a social sense.  I do ...

I'm infected... well.. my toe is/was... I went to my doc yesterday because my big toe was swollen and infected... the doc didn't have time for a procedure so he couldn't see me... I know that I shouldn't be irritated... but I am... I shouldn't expect someone to squeeze time in for me... but I do... I always wanted a doctor that could relate with me on a slightly personal level instead of me being another number for him/her.  I went to the Urgent care... and was seen by a wonderful doctor... I almost asked if she had a private practice somewhere... she was very friendly and even made a few jokes... to lighten the mood I suppose.... but I guess I'll give my doc one more chance... I don't see him but once a year now... unless I need him... well.. in a non-emergency way I suppose... because I don't believe he will be able to see me in an emergency situation. I'm starting my house hunting... I've decided to contact a realtor that has been emailing m...

I'm in the middle of a 3-day weekend... I kinda thought I'd see the girl I've been seeing occasionally sometime this weekend, but evidently not. It's not my issue though... She has a busy schedule, so I work around that... I told her once that I didn't want to put any more strain on her life... so we'd see each other when we could.... now... I wish I hadn't said that.  Am I wrong in thinking that if someone wants you to be a part of their life... then you would at least know what's going on in their life on occasion. I really don't have a clue... I texted her tonight and got a response that she was driving her son back to college just outside of DC.  So... I see her about 6 or 7 hours a month currently.  To me that appears that she really isn't focused on having me in her life... or maybe I'm just a convenience on occasion. I really don't know, because she doesn't open up to me.  I've tried being flirtatious at times, but I don...

I'm bipolar... evidently... feeling better once I put things in perspective... oh well.. life goes on.

Bah humbug... or is that just for Christmas... couldn't it be for any holiday? ...especially Valentine's Day... yeah.. I know I said I was going to try to remain optimistic... but I've been wanting to get in a pissy mood for several weeks now... there's only so much positivity one can muster... and maybe if I let a little negativity into my system, I will get it out much more quickly... and then get back to normal... isn't that how it works?  I'm a little frustrated that I don't really have a social life.. and thinking back to when I did... it was a fake social life.  There are times when I am not certain that anything was real. I think we all live in our own little worlds.. and do what we can to make it to the next day with as little conflict as possible. I want more than that... I really thought that I have cared for people... but it's hard to care about people who really don't want to be a part of your life... That's what I'm running into...

I've been fighting a "pissy" mood all day... and I'm not sure why I am feeling the way I am... maybe it has something to do with tomorrow being Valentine's Day. I've felt like I've been sorta snapping at people all day... it's not anyone's fault that things are not going well... but I am still holding out hope for things to look up. I found out today that I might be able to borrow from my 401k... without a penalty... I just have to pay it back over 15 years... and that's where I plan to come up with my down payment on my house. I am pretty sure I can get 20k with minimal effort... and I know that will be a decent down payment... I will have to pay 50.00 each pay period.... which is viable... hopefully.. especially if I can knock out PMI payment with that... I'm supposed to be talking with a realtor... but she never has contacted me.   Not the first female in my life to avoid me.. although technically she's not "in my life".  ...

I think I have the political stuff cleared out of my head... I haven't thought politically since my post... or at least not significantly. I like the idea of my blog...and sometimes it actually does what I started out to do.... to clear my head and speak my mind.  I'm pretty sure everyone needs that in their life... otherwise it just stays up there and rots... festers... until it comes to a head... then pops like a pimple. I know that's a bit graphic... but that's my thought.. I'm sticking with it. I am trying to get my oldest daughter to get her college financial information together... still... but it's like pulling teeth... slooooooow process and she doesn't seem to have any free time... yet when I talk to my youngest daughter... she tells me about how her sister is watching videos on youtube... so I don't know if she is purposely trying to put me off... or if she's just lazy. I can't say a whole lot... I'm pretty sure I had a bit of laz...

I think sometimes we flounder around a bit... everyone gets off track ..at least that's what I tell my students.. what matters most is that we can get back on track and put the past behind us... not saying that the past has no importance in our lives... or that we should ignore it completely... but I am saying that it shouldn't be a burden to us.  If we've made mistakes... just don't do it again.  I don't know how many times I've said... or heard the words "I'm sorry" ....it's just a phrase.   Sure it might be something that makes someone a little happier that it is said... but it carries no meaning if you go out and do it again.  I'm not a Catholic, but something I can't wrap my mind around is confession. I know it doesn't give someone a license to go out and do bad things because they know they're going to get absolution for it... but subconsciously those people who have somewhat addictive behavior they know is wrong... it...

It has been a freakin' long week. I have made 2 trips to DC and one to Baltimore... but I enjoy the travel. DC and Baltimore was yesterday... dropping students off on a Friday afternoon during rush hour... I don't know why they call it "rush hour" ...it take much longer than an hour to get the multitude of drivers in and out of the big cities...  and no one is "rushing" anywhere, as traffic is usually at a standstill.   It should be called something like...parking lot time... or crazy driver period. ...and going the short distance between DC and Baltimore... at this time??!! I'm almost certain that everyone that lives in Baltimore... actually works in DC.. and vice-versa... that would explain why the traffic in both directions on I-95 is so thick. There were times I thought about getting out and walking.... but eventually I got where I was supposed to go.  Me...being the nice person I am... drove one of the students to her home where her fam...