I Have A Hard Head.

I'm in the middle of a 3-day weekend... I kinda thought I'd see the girl I've been seeing occasionally sometime this weekend, but evidently not. It's not my issue though... She has a busy schedule, so I work around that... I told her once that I didn't want to put any more strain on her life... so we'd see each other when we could.... now... I wish I hadn't said that.  Am I wrong in thinking that if someone wants you to be a part of their life... then you would at least know what's going on in their life on occasion. I really don't have a clue... I texted her tonight and got a response that she was driving her son back to college just outside of DC.  So... I see her about 6 or 7 hours a month currently.  To me that appears that she really isn't focused on having me in her life... or maybe I'm just a convenience on occasion. I really don't know, because she doesn't open up to me.  I've tried being flirtatious at times, but I don't get much of a response.... so I'm just going to continue to do what I feel like doing... It is frustrating when people can't communicate with you... I had too many years of that with my ex... I will NOT go back to that. The few times we have shared a personal conversation... it has been decent... but then we go back to part-time strangers.  Maybe I'm being overly sensitive... but it really doesn't matter. I refuse to settle. I've been the brunt of being taken advantage of emotionally most of my life... I have gotten to a point where I don't open up much anymore... or at least I take it in stages... if I don't get a response.. I pull back.   I'm glad I'm finding this type of stuff out now before we get too far along... well.. I don't believe we'll get too much farther than we are now... so I'm just going to consider her a friend... and let her make any more advancements in the relationship. Not that I'm trying to make it one-sided... but I have had many people to have no clue what they want in their life... and when I become fully vested emotionally in a relationship... I find out I'm not what they're looking for... and at that point... I love a part of myself... I'm pretty sure this is turning into a rehash of a previous post, but it warrants revisiting... I think that maybe I put too much of an expectation on people... and then when they aren't willing to put as much into a relationship as I am... I'm disappointed. ...sometimes even devastated. I can't invest much of myself anymore... I thought that maybe because a relationship isn't online... and only 12 miles separate us... that things are different... but truthfully, it's not different... I need to learn to be more hardened... to set my expectations much lower... well... not really... I'm not going to compromise anymore... either something is like what I want... or I don't want it. I know relationships are supposed to be compromise on both parts... but I've been the type of person who makes all the adjusting... to the situation... to the communication... to whatever it takes... maybe that makes me appear desperate. I don't feel like I am... I like to believe that people are honest... but I've learned that over 90 percent of people aren't even honest with themselves. I need to realize that most anything I'm told... is a lie.. maybe not an intentional one... but a falsehood, nonetheless.. It has take awhile for that to sink in... when it comes to learning... sometimes.. I have a hard head.

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