I Still Keep Hoping.

Bah humbug... or is that just for Christmas... couldn't it be for any holiday? ...especially Valentine's Day... yeah.. I know I said I was going to try to remain optimistic... but I've been wanting to get in a pissy mood for several weeks now... there's only so much positivity one can muster... and maybe if I let a little negativity into my system, I will get it out much more quickly... and then get back to normal... isn't that how it works?  I'm a little frustrated that I don't really have a social life.. and thinking back to when I did... it was a fake social life.  There are times when I am not certain that anything was real. I think we all live in our own little worlds.. and do what we can to make it to the next day with as little conflict as possible. I want more than that... I really thought that I have cared for people... but it's hard to care about people who really don't want to be a part of your life... That's what I'm running into in real life now... it's what I ran into in my marriage.. my ex wanted her life with out daughters... and that's what she has now... My daughters are the only thing in my life that I know is real... I love them both unconditionally. I can't even think of anything that would make me stop feeling this way... even though at times I feel they.. like everyone else I've ever had in my life... have abandoned me too. I know I'm in a funk... I even know I'll come out of it... I think we all need someone in our lives just to care about us occasionally... My youngest daughter called me just a bit ago... and she seemed as though she was calling more out of obligation than anything else.... my oldest... I've talked to her twice this year... and it always seems like she's eager to get off the phone. I have a few friends I talk to... but those friends aren't really much of a part of my life... I have people who consider me as a good friend... whom I don't talk to for months at a time. If I think about it... other than my dad... the only person I talk with on a regular basis is my "girl-friend" ...and even then it's a couple of hours every few weeks... I never talk to her on the phone and we text a couple of lines a day... When I say I "never talk to her on the phone" ....that's a slight exaggeration.... we talked for about 10 minutes in January of last year.... that's the last phone conversation I had with her. I'm just in a rut at the moment... I'll work my way out of it like I always do... I need to immerse myself into my work and just lose myself...  I don't really even enjoy playing World of Warcraft much anymore.. I had over 50 people on my friends list there.. and none of them play anymore... not for a long time.  Maybe I belong to an obsolete sect of people who really have moved on with their life.. while I continue to flounder with mine... I would go out and buy a lottery ticket as the powerball is over 300 million.. but I know that would just set myself up for another disappointment. Even though I know I won't win... I guess there's a little part of me inside that tries to remain optimistic.. and after all is said and done... I still keep hoping.