I Am Okay With Being Okay.

I don't think any of us really have life planned... or if we do, we end up having to make revisions of our plan. I am one that doesn't believe in absolutes... but I do believe in strong probabilities.. and I try to play the odds. Except in lottery tickets... I play those occasionally against the odds. That doesn't mean that I know what's going to happen... but in most situations, I can take a well-educated guess. It's getting much easier with age. I feel that with each passing year, I'm missing out on things that I wanted to do someday. Unfortunately, I'm not at a point in my life where I can do much about it. I still have many limitations put on me... well.. actually I put them on myself, but I'm more inclined to do that than I am to face the consequences of what happens if I go ahead and do them. I know that sounds cryptic, but it's not meant to be... it just covers a wide variety of circumstances.  There are parts of me that would just love to not care about consequences of my actions... but I don't know how many years I have left... and I would hate to spend them all miserable and thinking about what I should have done instead... we are all given a brain and know how to conduct ourselves... the problems exists when we still get punished for taking all the appropriate actions. I think that makes us more frustrated with life in general.  I still have many thoughts that are highly inappropriate to be considered civilized. As I have said before, I think it's more of not what we think... but how we act on those thoughts. I struggle consistently with the ideas inside of my head... I want to be a good person... but my thoughts sometimes betray me.. maybe I don't really know myself as well as I think.  Maybe I just want everyone to think I'm a good person... but in all actuality, I'm self-centered and wanting to use people to my advantage. I worry about that... I suppose by being concerned that shows I might basically be a good person at heart... but then am I saying that to myself so I can think I'm a good person at heart... Are you dizzy yet?? I am getting there... it's all a bit confusing if you try to over-analyze things... I have a tendency to do that... That might be why I haven't been too successful in relationships... I constantly think... then I over-react.  I was told by someone once they just wanted space and didn't want to be in a relationship... then they were in another relationship within a few weeks... I was told by another that she wanted me to come back with her... then after I didn't she started back with her ex... Another person told me she couldn't be with me because our relationship was "too real" ...I kinda thought that was the point... but in each situation.. maybe I'm just seeing my side of it... maybe that is just me trying to be logical and understand the words I'm told... we all know that people never say what they really mean... at least most people.  I think that's where my problem is... I am too literal of a person... I hear someone say something and I jump to conclusions...  I look back on my life.. and I really wouldn't change anything... all my experiences have made me who I am.. I'm not sure if many people like who that is... but it doesn't matter... I'm okay with who I am.. I have said that before too... but it is just one of those things that I need to affirm to myself on occasion. I don't know where my life is headed... and it really doesn't matter... I'm not happy... but I'm not unhappy.. Most of the time, I am okay with being okay.