Under my Hat

Ok.. so.. I have tried going back to a site that I left.. and realize that isn't what I needed.. or really wanted. I did talk to a friend.. and told her that I am not certain about my future.. but I know what I feel.  I let her know that even if someone you truly loves moves on with their life.. without you.. you can't stop being who you are.  I really don't know what will happen.. but I can no more stop loving someone.. and replace them if they walked out of my life.. as I could replace a daughter that died.. yes.. it's a different situation.. but I can't help it if that's the degree of love that I feel. I know now in my heart that I will live with whatever occurrs.. but I also know that I can't change what I feel.. and I will never "substitute" anything for that.. I will just adjust.. as I have always adjusted in life. I was with my spouse for 17 years.. and even now.. I'd still stay with her.. and suffer.. if she asked me not to leave. But I...

I hate nights when I can't sleep.. or wake up several times in the middle of the night.  This is one of those nights.  It seems like something should be happening in my life... working toward something.. but it's not. Yes... I've been  gone for a bit.  I had to deal with a bunch of things in my head.  You know how it gets when your mind gets so overloaded with all these silly ideas.. and everywhere you decide to look, you see something that isn't there.. well that was me.  It seems like I lost touch with reality lately.  The reality is that I have little to no control over things.  I will sit and watch my life unfold.. day by day. Things are the way they are, no matter how much I'd like them to be different.  I think my parents have begun to accept the fact that I truly will be unhappy here no matter what.  I believe they are trying to blame my spouse for my failing marriage now.  She talked a bit to me about it.  That's h...

Ok... so.. a few things have happened in my life recently... and now I think I'm trying to passively kill myself... I would never take an active role in that.  I am now getting up at 5 am each morning, getting to work by my 7:30 shift... volunteering for duties from 4pm - 10pm... and getting home about 10:30.  We'll see how long I can keep this up.  It's good money... for when I move out... plus it keeps me from thinking about things if I can keep myself busy.... and it's much more constructive than "vegging out" in front of the computer where I just waste my life and wait for ...nothing now.  I don't know what the future holds.. and at this point, I suppose it really doesn't matter.   I have no control over it anyway.  The only thing I can control is me.... and I'm doing that. I'm going to make certain that I have the means to do what I need to do.. as quickly as I can.  Hopefully the future won't seem as bleak to me as it does right now....

So... I broke down last night.  I felt so... I don't know.. I hate using the word.. alone.  My dad called me.. and I told him of the problems I've been having.  It made him sad.. he didn't know what to do..  He did say that I needed to face up to my responsibilities.. and stick it out.  He doesn't think I should leave.  I'm certain my mom will feel the same way.   They are both old-fashioned. I think there are times they stayed in their marriage just because it was what they were supposed to do.  He seems to think this is a "faze."  They won't understand if I were to leave.  I'm certain my daughters won't either.  I try to make sure everyone knows I love them. ...I came to my room.. and got online.   I was going to blog.. but needed some immediate feedback... interaction... I found that wasn't going to happen last night. I think I've become TOO needy for some.  I am going to back offline.. and just try to cope wi...

It's strange.. how we know things are headed a certain way... but we don't try to stop them.. even if that's not what we really want.  ...then, all of a sudden.. life seems to blindside you with so much crap. ...before you know it.. a situation then becomes out of our control.  My marriage started over 17 years ago... and when it started, I could never imagine it in the shape it is now.  I told my new spouse at the time that a relationship requires a lot of open, honest communication. So.. why have we always had problems communicating with each other.  It was said of my once.. that I can't communicate my way out of a paper bag.  ...and they were right.. as far as certain people are concerned. I think we find it difficult to communicate with people we don't completely trust.  I am still not certain what happened with my spouse... but I guess I feel that she was never completely able to trust me with certain things..  and I was right... I've found out th...

I know that there are those of you out there that just want to offer a friendly word of advice here and there.. but I can't listen to anyone else anymore... If those of you that say you are my friend.. are TRULY my friend.. you'll leave me alone for a bit... I seem to mess up at every turn right now... and there's only one person on the planet that I will have time for in the next week or so.. IF she attempts to contact me... otherwise.. thank you for your concern.. but I really don't trust anyone else at the moment... I'm sorry.. but in the online world.. evidently that's all it is to some people..  and for those few that might have my phone number.. DON'T  CALL ME.. I won't answer... I'm not responding to IMs or emails at the moment.. please respect my wishes and just give me some space...  I'm not only dealing with what I have been.. but there are some real life complications that I need to resolve now... and I just don't know how.   I wil...

I sometimes have to admit.. when I'm wrong... I tend to trust people.. sometimes blindly..   and unfortunately sometimes I get hurt doing that.  I have several "friends" online.  ....or people I thought were friends.. that I could trust.   ...but it seems as though one of my "friends" chose to inflict pain on another person... and even though I said that it wasn't my business, and I disapproved.. I chose to try to remain neutral.  But I that was when I thought my friend made a mistake.. and then stopped... but she didn't.. and still continues to do destructive things.... after she told me that she was done with it... so I've lost my faith and trust in her.  It's sad to have to find out these things... I don't give friendship... TRUE friendship very easily.. and it takes a lot to cause it to go away... but I chose to give every benefit of the doubt..  instead of believing the one person I will continue to trust with all that I am.. and now I a...