No sleep.

I hate nights when I can't sleep.. or wake up several times in the middle of the night.  This is one of those nights.  It seems like something should be happening in my life... working toward something.. but it's not. Yes... I've been  gone for a bit.  I had to deal with a bunch of things in my head.  You know how it gets when your mind gets so overloaded with all these silly ideas.. and everywhere you decide to look, you see something that isn't there.. well that was me.  It seems like I lost touch with reality lately.  The reality is that I have little to no control over things.  I will sit and watch my life unfold.. day by day. Things are the way they are, no matter how much I'd like them to be different.  I think my parents have begun to accept the fact that I truly will be unhappy here no matter what.  I believe they are trying to blame my spouse for my failing marriage now.  She talked a bit to me about it.  That's how she feels anyway.  She's no more to blame for our situation than I am.  We BOTH weren't able to say what was on our minds.  I will never be that way again.  I will always try to communicate to those that are near to me. The thing is... I don't plan on letting anyone near to me for a long time.  It's too painful. 

My spouse asked me tonight.. if I was waiting for her to find something and move out.  I told her ..no.. I have no idea what I'm waiting for.  I am just letting events unfold.  She seems ready for Spring to arrive.  She asked if I wanted to stay here.. and live.. and they find something else.  I told her that I believe it was for the best for them to stay here... and not change the lives of the kids all at once. She then asked me if I was looking for something.. I don't know what she wants right now.. I don't know what I want right now... I have to  stay working in my current job.... at least until I find something better. I hope we get through the holidays and all the birthdays in December... with as little drama as possible.   I just feel like my spouse is needing me to make some sort of decision.  My Dad told her "If you don't work.. you don't eat"  ...he's good at stating the obvious. I need to make certain that my daughters don't suffer with them being on their own with their mom.  I will provide for them... and be there when they need me.  I think that me being here now though is causing them confusion... I'm pretty sure they know I'm going to be going away.. but I won't address it until I have a plan in hand.  ...right now.. it's just difficult to sort through some of the things.. but I figure it'll all be over sooner or later.  ...for now.. I will just try to survive on nights when I get .. no sleep.